What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!" Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent." "As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!" The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later, the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes o

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wi

Doctor: Well I hope you enjoy changing diapers, Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Why, Am I pregnant? Doctor: No, you have bowel cancer!

What do you call a blond with half a brain? Gifted.

Q What has two legs, and bleeds? A Half a dog!

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up."