Press Cuttings

These are all true cuttings, Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It is a Special Branch vehicle and they do not want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why she said it was because she was missing her boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evening News) After being charged 20 [pounds] for a 10 [pound] overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked him to close his account and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque made out in his new name. (The Guardian) Notice seen in the Churchtown Parish Magazine: Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled "For the sick" is for monetary donations only. There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common?" (The Times) At the height of the gale the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry but he didn't have a gauge. However if it was any help the wind had just blown his Land-Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill a spokesman for North West Gas said: "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It is possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)