Shit may be the most powerful word in the english language: You can be shitfaced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, or tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shitheaded, shitbrained, shitblinded, and shitover. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chi

This man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and the bar tender asks him, "What's your newt's name?" and the man replies, "Tiny" and the bar tender says, "Why is he called Tiny?" and the man replies, "Because he is minute." (minute means small)

As governor, Bush got to act ceremonially as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap, Bush pulled over a farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that kept buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some trouble with those circle flies there, are ya, sir?" Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW! You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay de

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, men will screw anything.

Yo mama is so nasty she's got to pour sand down her pants to keep the crabs happy!

You might be a redneck if you've ever videotaped a dog loving on someone's leg.

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? A: Bacon and legs

The Web site you seek cannot be located but countless others exist Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. Everything is gone; Your life's work has been destroyed. Squeeze trigger (yes/no)? Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak. Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. Server's poor response Not quick eno

What's red and invisible? No tomato.

Here is a book never written. Extinction is Distinction by Dinah Soar