Category Jokes - Other / Misc
Viola jokes are jokes usually insulting violas and violists, since they are, generally speaking, the most unpopular instruments. Please forgive me if you are a violist, but truly, there are just some good ones out there. :P
Q: What is the difference between a viola and an onion?
A: No one cries when you cut up a viola.
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You have to take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: (1) The viola burns longer, (2) The viola holds more beer, and (3) You can tune the violin.
Q: A viola burns longer than a violin; that's common sense. But why can it burn longer?
A: It's usually s
This is an addition to one of my previous jokes, "Viola Jokes" http://wocka.com/17112.html. Now, instead of just viola jokes, here are several different instrument jokes.
PIANO JOKES
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano onto an army base?
A: A flat major.
Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand piano better than a studio upright piano?
A: Because it makes a much bigger "kaboom" when dropped off a cliff.
FLUTE/PICCOLO JOKES
Q: How do you get two piccolo players to play in tune?
A: Shoot one.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The
Here is a guy that doesn't know English well that is going to a restaurant in Virginia:
Waiter: Welcome sir, have a seat.
The waiter sent him to a solo table.
The guy: Happy birthday, sir!
Waiter: It's not my birthday today.
The guy: Oh I mean thank you sir. I don't really know how to speak English well.
The waiter gave the guy the menu, but he didn't understand the things written. Then he heard a customer that is ordering food, and the guy thought of copying everything the customer is saying to the waiter. The waiter comes:
Waiter: What would you want, sir?
Customer: I would want the manager's special fried chicken, some whole wheat bread, and this fish salad.
The guy: I do want a
An old couple had been married for fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, the man took the woman on a trip, and they were to stay at an upscale hotel. When they got there, the woman told the bell boy, "This is an awful hotel. Why is it upscale? No windows, no bathroom, no air conditioning."
"But, madam!" the bell boy protested.
"Don't 'but madam' me," the lady said. "This is one of the worst hotels I've ever even tried to stay at. I'm going to report it to your manager."
"But, madam!" the bell boy persisted, "this isn't your room, this is the elevator."
This comes from an elderly man that spoke with me in a waiting room once.
"I don't like these places," he said, "They're always trying to find out what you're thinking.
"But I was nifty, I got around her, see. I had a way around it." He looked at me and continued. "She asked me if I was hearing voices, and I said 'Yes, ma'am, I hear you talking to me right now.' And when she asked if I felt like hurting myself or anybody else, I said 'No m'dear, but I really am going to hurt the next person who asks me that question.'"
Little Emma is watching her mother preparing their dinner â this week it's Salt Beef. Emma watches her mother slice off both ends of the joint and place it in a saucepan ready for cooking. Emma asks, "Why did you cut both ends off, Mum?"
Her mother pauses for a few seconds, then replies, "That's a good question, Emma. It's what my mother always did when she made Salt Beef and I just do the same, but I've no idea why. Let's phone Granny and ask her."
So they phone granny and ask why she always sliced the ends off the Salt Beef before cooking.
Granny replies, "You know, I'm not sure why â that was the way I always saw my mother make Salt Beef."
Because they are now very curious, they v
Can you tell the headline by the satirical publication "The Onion" from these real headlines?
"Couple recalls war years, 63 years of marriage.''
"Gun who killed officer said to have mental problems."
"Smokers asked to keep butts off beach."
"Volunteers needed to help abuse victims."
"Study finds link between red wine, letting mother know what you really think."
"Orleans seeks tenants for new jail."
Answers:
1. "Sudbury Town Crier" (Massachusetts)
2. "Times-Standard" (Eureka, California)
3. "San Diego Union-Tribune"
4. "Santa Barbara News-Press"
5. "The Onion"
6. "Daily News" (Batavia, New York)
There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed of spending holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so.
One day they came up with an idea - each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.
The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange - each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy, but I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."
The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"
There was a woman who absolutely loved the music of Billy Joel and Paul McCartney. She loved them so much she decided to have their images tattooed on her body. She went to a tattoo parlor and told the artist she wanted Billy Joel tattooed on her left thigh, and Paul McCartney tattooed on her right thigh.
When the job was completed, the artist gave her a mirror to inspect his work. She exclaimed that neither of the images looked like what they were supposed to be. The artist said let's get another opinion.
He went out to the street and asked a drunk to come in and assist with a little problem. There sat the woman, with her legs apart, and the artist asked the drunk what he saw. He replied
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