What was the last thing that Abraham Lincoln did? He died.

8 protons, 8 neutrons and 8 electrons in an oxygen atom!

Can you decipher this phrase? E D O W N D I S Upside down!

This is a true story. I was texting my one friend, and we both get bored easy. This is part of our one convo. Him: Mew! I'm a kitty! Me: Woof! I'm a puppy! Him: Oink! I'm a cow! Me: Quack! I'm a zebra! Him: Bang! I'm a hoe! Me: Man, u got me beat on tht 1!

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them." - George Bush, former U.S. President "It is white." - George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." - George Gobel "Solutions are not the answer." - Richard Nixon, former U.S. President "Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college." - Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner "Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that." - Bill Clinton, former U.S. president "You

Some may be offeneded by a few of these. This is not meant to hurt anyones feelings just to show how stupid some of our idols and leaders of the country are. "Did people build this, or did Indians?" - Tourist question at Mesa Verde National Park "I was glad to see Italy win. All the guys on the team were Italians." - Tom Lasorda, former Dodger manager on World Cup soccer tournament "Every city I go to is an oppurtunity to paint, whether it's Omaha or Hawaii." - Tony Bennett, Singer "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "FOR RENT: CONDOM... ONLY US$650." - Ad in Jakarta Post, should have r

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." - David Acfield "And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" - David Coleman, Sportscaster "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. "Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something." - Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hi

Play this on a friend: You: You would call a witty remark a joke, right? Friend: Yes. You: Spell joke twice and say it 5 times please. Friend: J-o-k-e, j-o-k-e, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. You: (start laughing) Friend: Did I mess up? You: No. You would call a relaxing stay in a tub with hot water a soak, right? Friend: No, I'd call it a bath. You: Whatever. Spell soak twice and say it 5 times please. Friend: S-o-a-k, s-o-a-k, soak, soak, soak, soak, soak. You: (start laughing) Friend: Did I mess up? You: No. Say joke 5 times and soak 5 times, then spell soak 3 times and joke 3 times. Friend: Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, soak, soak, soak, soak, soak, s-o-a-k, s-o-a-k, s-o-a-k, j-o-k-e, j-

What starts with a p and ends with the letters orn? Popcorn! What were you thinking? What starts with a f and ends with the letters uck? Firetruck! What were you thinking? What starts with a b and ends with the letters itch? Bewitch! What were you thinking?

Do this on a calculator! So here's the story: a woman had 69 boobs which was too too too much. So she went to 51st street and the doctor took all the time he had and ate all the boobs and she became boobless! 69 boobs 222 much 51st street 6922251 X time 6922251 X 8 ate 6922251 =55378008 flip your calculator, and she became boobless!

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there. I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen. I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that th

One morning, Pete and Sally decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress at The Almond Tree told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for $3.99. "That sounds good," said Sally, "but I don't want the eggs." "OK," said the waitress, "but I will then have to charge you $4.50." "Why?" asked Pete, "it doesn't make sense." "Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte," the waitress replied. "Do you mean I'll have to pay for not taking the eggs?" Sally asked. "Yes," replied the waitress. "OK then, I'll take the special," says Sally. "How do you want your eggs done?" asked the waitress. "Raw and in the shell," Sally replied.