1. Introduction The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavored to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage. 2. Food In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain foo

The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened. "Of course, I opened it," the woman snapped. "You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size." A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."

It was the first day of school and I had gotten a serious scrape on my knee so I asked my friend Jesse to write down notes for me while I went to the nurse. Now, it was the first day of school and there were no notes written on our notebooks and neither of us had written our names on them, so when I came back the next and asked him to give me back my notebooks, he couldn't tell which was mine and which was his, so we both decided that we'd take either one. Near the end of the school year Jesse got in trouble for stealing my notebook. After he got in trouble (with 3 days detention) I asked him why he stole my notebook. He showed me a small note on the back of what we had thought was his noteb

There's a fella in a fast-food outlet, and he's just received his order of 7 hot-dogs, 9 Big Macs and 6 large Cokes. The counterhand says, "Would you like a tray?" The customer replies, "Steady on, haven't I got enough to carry already?"

Q: Why are cannibals such great improvs? A: They keep feeding off each other.

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!

Q: Why do blondes smile when lightning strikes? A: They think they're getting their photo taken.

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen, she lay in eager anticipation the lovely breakfast her helpful, caring children were making for her. However, after a good long wait, she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Farmer Bill Dies in House Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

If you are in darkness, then pray to God. If you are still in darkness, then go and pay your electricity bill......

You might be a redneck if . . . you have been married three times and you still have the same in-laws, You think TACO BELL is a Mexican Phone Company, Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back, You think Possum is "The Other White Meat", You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

Things not to say to a policeman . . . - Care for a doughnut? - Met your quota? Happy now? - Before you arrest me, maybe Mr. George Washington could change your mind. - You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you? - I want your badge number and your superior officer's name, NOW. - Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you? - Want to race to the station, Sparky? - I bet your wife really likes these handcuffs? - Hey, you must' a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job! - I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far behind I am. - Let's not forget who pays your salary hare! - Are you Andy ar Barney? - Hey officer, is that your