My job is secure. No one else wants it. You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares This is my other car! And on the eighth day, God went fishing Time is what keeps everything from happening at once Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain Don't steal. The government hates competition. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas. Gun Control isn't about guns. It's about control. There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart. My computer doesn't understand me!! Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Horn broken. Watch for finger. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Al

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Kentucky arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,

Yo Momma's so fat, when she put on a pair of Nike's, it spelled out Nickelodeon!

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness "Let me ask your opinion, nurse..." "Has anyone ever seen one of THESE?" "What do you mean, "It's upside down"?" "This is what happens when cousins marry." "You think we can sew it back on?" "Is that SUPPOSED to be yellow?" "What does the AMA know; I still think I can do it." "Wow. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night." "Does Tab A go into Slot C or Slot F?" "They never let us practice on REAL people in Med school." "Don't worry, he'll never know; he's out."

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness. "OK, make a wish and pull." "Back in a minute. Gotta put money in the meter." "What he doesn't know, won't hurt us." "Tilt that TV a bit. I can't see the game." "That PROVES aliens have taken over our bodies." "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop." "I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses." "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." "I learned that when I studied to be a vet." "Poor guy... Maybe we should give him a sex change." "He looks like my ex-wife's attorney... The one who got her the house, the car, the money... he even got her!..." "C L E A R!"

This Australian truck driver is looking for a long distance driving job in Adelaide. He gets offered a job driving a load of bowling balls to Darwin. He's not too keen on this, but he needs the money and so takes off. A while along the highway he sees two Aborigines with a bike, in the middle of nowhere, so he stops and asks if they would like a lift. They say OK. The truck driver says, "All right, hop in, but you'll have to ride in the back." A 100 km down the road he stops at a truck stop, which amongst other things, involves a load inspection by the local cops. He is asked where he is off to and he says, "Darwin". The cops go round the back, open the doors, slam them shut quickly and rush

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK. It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk. Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which

You're probably a redneck if.................... During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off.

What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Several years ago, Baltimore Zoo decided to encamp colonies of tiny Green Monkeys and large Drill Baboons together on an island, the theory being that the primates would stay put because neither could swim. But the morning after the exhibit opened, zoo officials found little Green Monkeys off the island and wandering around the zoo. The next two mornings, it was the same thing. Finally a vigilant keeper discovered the problem stemmed less from cage design than monkey manners. The baboons, unwilling to share food, were grabbing the Green Monkeys by their tails and hurling them like Olympic hammer throwers off the island during suppertime. The monkeys were no worse for their daily shuttle, b

1. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weathers. Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does us good. 2. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return. 3. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can understand what is said more distinctly. 4. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are sure to hit the right way sooner or

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey - come over here, buddy." The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?" The horse replies, "Sure was, man. I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger thought to himself, "Boy, a talking horse." Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the f