- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? - If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed? - Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? - Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? - If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? - If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren'

...you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine. ...you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: "Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I ll burn yer tent!" ...you're planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: "Who knows? Maybe some day we go to camping." ...you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too much about "slithering throats, ARRH!". ...the people at work starts to talk about you as the guy who puts jolly rogers on everything. ...people stand WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres, cutlasses and daggers. ...you get really angry when the person next to you at the bancuette, who claims to be a pirate, doesnt kno

Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. - If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering. - If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance. - If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting. - If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them. - If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche. - If the room has a sweaty

Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed. "Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan. "No," said the dying man. "I say, renounce the devil and his works!" "No," the man repeats. "And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Sullivan. "Because," said the dying man, "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start annoying anybody."

US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman." After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale." The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?" The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourcef

- You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed. - You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom. - You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. - You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment. - You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. - You laugh at people with 14.4 band modems. - You start using smileys in your snail mail. - You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com - You can't call your mother because she doesn't

The Web site you seek cannot be located but countless others exist Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. Everything is gone; Your life's work has been destroyed. Squeeze trigger (yes/no)? Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak. Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. Server's poor response Not quick eno

Three men walked into a bar. They died

Anyways, there was an assembly at school and they had us sit on bleachers inside the main gym. Then I notice one of my friends walk in and since there's a space next to me, I decide to call him over. But the thing is, his nickname is fire, because of his bright red hair. So I yell out FIRE! loud enough for him to hear me over the noise. Then I realize what I just did... everyone in my section of the bleachers just stared at me until a teacher came and pulled me off to the side for a little talk. This has been a Stupid Drunky Moment. (By the way, if you think I'm stupid, think about the other students. If someone yells fire, you run, you don't turn around and stare at him. Idiots.

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold." At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, why did you call God 'Harold'?" The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name..."