A 6 year old was in a car with her parents. She kept having sneezing fits, and she kept splattering snot all over the seats. Eventually, the Mum and Dad gave up on trying to stop the sneezing, and told the little girl to put her hands up when she sneezed. The little girl did so, raising her hands above her head, and sneezed on the Mum's face!!

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore. 7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night. 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!! 4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass. 3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie I just wished

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer. "Keyboard" -- 1. Place to hang your truck keys. 2. Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find 'em. "Window" -- Place in the truck to hang your guns. "Floppy" -- When you run out of Polygrip. "Modem" -- 1. How you got rid of your dandelions. 2. What you did to da hay fields last July. (from NetDummy Humor) "ROM" -- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola. "Byte" -- First word in a kiss-off phrase. "Reboot" -- What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff. "Network" -- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line. "

Knock-Knock. Who's There? Tank. Tank Who? You're Welcome!

What did the tornado say to the pecan tree? "Hold onto your nuts, this is not your average blow job!" What has four hands and eats aunts? Two uncles. What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? Usually an onion with long ears, but sometime you get a piece of ass that will make your eyes water.

What's a Jewish dilemma? A free ham sandwich.

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? A: Eileen. Q: What do you call a boy with one foot in the door? A: Justin. Q: What do you call a girl who gambles? A: Betty. Q: What do you call a girl with one foot on either side of the river? A: Bridget. Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head? A: Doug. Q: What do you call a girl with only one pants leg? A: Jean. Q: What do you call a man who's a talented painter? A: Art. Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head? A: Jack. Q: What do you call a lady in the distance? A: Dot. Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? A: Lily. Q: What do you call a man with numbers down his front? A: Bill.

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't I seen you before?'' = ''Nice ass.'' ''I'm a Romantic.'' = ''I'm poor.'' ''I need you.'' = ''My hand is tired.'' ''I am different from all the other guys.'' = ''I am not circumcised.'' ''I want a commitment.'' = ''I'm sick of masturbation.'' ''You're the only girl I've ever cared about.'' = ''You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.'' ''I really want to get to know you better.'' = ''So I can tell my friends about it.'' ''It's just orange juice, try it.'' = ''3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.'' ''She's kinda cute.'' = ''I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.'' ''I don't

Three men are fishing. One catches a magic fish that will grant each one a wish if they let him go. The first one wishes he could double his IQ. It is done. The second one wishes to triple his IQ. It is done. The last one (who is an idiot) wishes to multiply his IQ by a 1/2. The fish asks if he is sure; the man nods. When the fish grants his wish, he turns into a blond.