The following actually occured last year in a resturaunt in Redford, Michigan. ________________________________________________ So........There's an empty bar,at the far right a man walks up, sits down, and orders a ginger ale. Another guy sits down at the opposite side of the bar a few minutes later and orders a glass of white wine. He says aloud in a quiet voice, "How could our President try to stop gay marriage?" Then the man at the far right answered, "Because marriage is bettween a man and a women and anyone who disagrees is going to have to change how they feel eventually if they want to go to heaven." (He sips his ginger ale, and puts his head in his hand to support himself.) "Bu

Q. How many acountants does it take to change a lightbulb? A. 1 at a fixed rate of 3.5% income return after purchase for every bulb replaced over a 6 year plan, with projected inflation expected to rise to over $1.25 per bulb in 2006.

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook. 3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.) 4. Address the professor as "your excellency". 5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!" 6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers. 7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking. 8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent. 9. Sit in the

Upon retirement, Dave had realized that he had poured himself into his work his entire life and never married. After spending a few weeks at home alone he decided that he needed some companionship and headed for the pet store. After looking around the store he thought that he would like to purchase a bird. He began looking at the selection available and noticed that one bird sold for $100 and the bird in the next cage was priced at $10,000. He looked and looked and studied the two birds, but he could not tell the difference, so he called over the store owner and asked him to explain. The owner said, "The $10,000 bird is a perfect bird and the $100 bird is just the average everyday bird.".

Here's 50 cents call someone who cares

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER Wired: THE LAST NEW THING Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR Readers Digest: 'BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES. Inc.

Little Johnny Clever was in Mrs. Gleason's 3rd grade class for just a couple of weeks when he ran home to his mom and showed her a little 3x3 piece of paper. It had the word "Homework" crossed out in a circle with a slash (the very same you see with no smoking signs) "What is this?" The mother said inquiringly. "Its a no homework pass mommy! I raised my hand the most in class. All you have to do is sign it and I dont have to do any homework for tonight!" says Johnny excitedly! 'Well thats a good thing to keep kids interested in the subject and class participation. I bet this teacher's been teaching for quite a while!' thought his mother as she signed the slip for him. So the next d

Here is the difference between guts and balls. Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to just "be there." Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

Why did the kid like the bowl of carrots and peas? Because he could eat every carrot and pea in the bowl.

Yo momma's so fat she should get cingular on her stomach so she can get rollover minutes.

Miss Blue(Teacher):"2 x 2 = 4, 4 x 4 = 16, and now, Brian, what is 16 x 16?" Brian(Pupil): "You cheated, Miss Blue. You always take the easy one and give us the hardest."

Teacher:Can anyone tell me what a shamrock is? Jimmy:It's a fake diamond,Miss. -------------------------------------------------------------- What's the longest piece of furniture in the school? The multiplication table. -------------------------------------------------------------- 'Why are you crying, Amanda?'asked the teacher. 'Cos Jenny's broken my new doll, Miss,' she cried. 'How did she do that?' 'I hit her on the head with it.' -------------------------------------------------------------- The night-school teacher asked one of his pupils when he had last sat an exam.'1945'said the lad. 'Good lord! That's more than 50 years ago.' 'No, Sir! An a hour and a half ago. It's quarter past ni