A crab and an ant lost their homes. The crab says to the ant, "I'm going to find us a place to sleep tonight." They're walking and the crab sees a naked lady walking towards them. "Hey, ant. You see that lady? We're going to crawl up to her bush and go to sleep there tonight." Once up there, the crab say's to the ant, "You see that door? You go up there and sleep tonight and I'll sleep in her bush." That night when they were asleep the lady had a guy friend come over and they had sex. That morning the ant say to the crab, "How did you sleep, Crab?" The crab says, "Great. How did you sleep, Ant?" "Well," the ant says "in that door you sent me at about two o'clock in the morning,

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel and so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward; "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that

For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is de

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." - Babe Ruth "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." - Lee Trevino "I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." - Jack Lemmon "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." - Chi Chi Rodriguez "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a n

There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown him, he mastered easily, until one day, his teachers tried to teach him about rectangular coordinates and he couldn't understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't. Then a new guy looked at the problem and said, "Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!"

All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they (obviously) didn't think their domain names through. Some of them are prime candidates for the "What was I thinking?" Award.... ALL these websites actually exist, selling something totally benign (and work-safe, in case you're wondering). 1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is: www.whorepresents.com 2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at: www.penisland.net 4. Need a therap

The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information. Says Vince Vieceli, "Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees."

...if you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".

Beyond the Hype (Guardian, August 25, 1995) Douglas Adams, author of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, argues Windows 95 does not cross any frontiers. What on Earth is going on? Have we found intelligent life on other planets? Abolished war and famine? Found Elvis? Have we even devised a new and better way of using computers? No. All that's happened is that Microsoft has remodelled its operating system so that it's now more like the Macintosh. This may well be a cause for rejoicing among Windows users but it's hardly a giant leap for mankind and doesn't warrant this sense that we're all supposed to celebrate early and avoid the millennium rush. As part of this billion-dollar festival

ரோட்'ல ஒருத்தர் வெண்டக்காய் முனையை ஒடிச்சு போட்டுக்கிட்டே போனார்.அதைப் பார்த்த இன்னொருத்தர், ஏன் சார் இப்படி ஒடிச்சு போட்டுக்கிட்டே போறீங்க?ன்னு கேட்டார்.அதுக்கு அவர், என்னங்க பண்ணுறது, கடைல ஓடிச்சா கடைக்காரர் திட்டுறார், ஒடிக்காம வீட்டுக்குப் போனா, ஏன் ஒடிச்சுப் பாக்காம வாங்கி வந்தீங்கன்'னு வீட்ல திட்டுறாங்க, அதான்ங்க...!

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are all about to be shot by a firing squad. The redhead goes out first and stands in front of them. Right before they shoot, the redhead screams, "Tornado!" The firing squad turns to look, and the redhead runs away. The brunette is up next, and decides it would be a good idea to to do the same thing that the redhead did. So, just as the firing squad is about to shoot, she screams, "Earthquake!" The firing squad looks around for a moment, distracted, giving the brunette just enough time to run away. Then the blonde comes up and decides to copy the redhead and the brunette. Just as the firing squad is about to shoot, the blonde screams, "Fire!"

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty. A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck "My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on