I bet you I could stop gambling.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give m

Customer: "I have a big problem. You cut off my head!" Me: "I'm sorry? How did I cut off your head?" (The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.) Me: "Sir, it looks like it was taken that way." Customer: "No it wasn't! My whole head was there when I took it. I'm sure!" Me: "Okay, let me see your memory card..." (The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.) Me: "Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn't in it." Customer: "But it's DIGITAL, can't you fix it?" Me: "You can't create something from nothing." Customer: "But... but.

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Once I went to visit my cousin in Jersey and I was looking for his house and when I found his house I rang the doorbell and like I said, "Hey cuz" and he answered I'm not your cousin. Then I said, "Yes I am, and then he closes the door on me. So I like call my mom, right? Then I like say, "Mom, my cousin says he's not my cousin." Then my mom says, "You don't have a cousin in Jersey." And I'm like, "Oh cool", and then I got a fox.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

What kind of key can't open a door. A monkey

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth," lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

Did you hear about the morning after pill for guys? It changes his blood type.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Lead me not into temptation...I can find the way myself. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Miracles are performed every day, the impossible takes longer. Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered sw