Knock, knock, knock! Who's there? Faith, here's an English tailor come hither for stealing out of a French hose. Come in, tailor. Here you may roast your gooses.

Yo momma's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals..."

You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme!

Yo mama's so dumb, she thought that a Playstation was a day care place.

You're so ugly, you can't even turn on a lightbulb!

What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

In order to be a guy, a guy must follow the following rules at all times without question: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a

Beckham went into training one day and saw Owen with a thermo-flask. He asked him what it was for and Owen said "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold". The next day Beckham came into training with a thrmo-flask. So Owen asked him what he had in it. He said "well you said it kept hot things hot, and cold things cold so Posh told me to put in some coffee and enough choc-ices for the lads but when I looked into the thermo-flask, when I got here, the choc-ices had melted!"

There was a boy and a teacher walking down the street one day. The teacher bought the boy some gum and after chewing it for a while it fell out of his mouth. He went to pick it up and the teacher said, "Never pick up things from the floor." Then, the teacher bought him an ice cream. It fell on the floor and he went to pick it up. Again, the teacher said to him, "Never pick up things from the floor." Next, the teacher bought the boy a lollypop. It fell to the floor and once again he went to pick it up. The teacher told him, "Never pick up things from the floor." After walking down the street some more there was a ditch ahead, but neither the boy nor the teacher noticed it. As t

Little Johnny's school was having show and tell, so the teacher started a 'Guess What's Behind My Back' game. She went to her desk and picked something up. "Okay class," she said, "guess what's behind my back. It's red, round, and shiny." "I know, teacher! It's an apple!" shouted Little Johnny! The teacher replied, "No little Johnny, it's a cherry, but I like the way you think." The teacher went to her desk again and picked up another item. "Okay class," she said, "what am I holding now? It's yellow, and soft. "I know, teacher! It's a banana! "No, Little Johny," said the teacher, "it's a tennis ball, but I like the way you think. At this point little Johnny was frustrated. "O

Attending the funeral of an actress who had been married ten times, a friend sobbed to the priest, "Well, at least they're together at last." The clergyman looked around. "Which of her husbands is buried here?" "None," said the friend. "I meant, her legs."