A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane... The lady said to him, "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?" The exciting young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure... So what is it?" "Your eyes, idiot!"

Santa Claus, a Boy Scout, and a smart blonde jump out of a plane. Who lands first? The Boy Scout, because the other two don't exist.

What do you get if you cross a dinosaur, a tiger, a crocodile, a spider, and a elephant? I don't know but you better get out of it's way!

(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.) Me: "Anything else?" Customer: "Can you break a $100 bill?" Me: "Actually, I can't. We just opened and I haven't gone to the bank today." Customer: "Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!" (At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he's buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.) Me: "Sir, these aren't for you, are they?" Customer: "No." Me: "Did your pregnant wife send you out at 8 in the morning to buy this candy?" Customer: "Yes." Me: "For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you're in even more trouble! You ca

1. Say "Darn, officer you must have been going fast to catch up with me." 2. When he approaches you, look at his gut and say, "Hmmm, I thought officers were supposed to be physically fit." 3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting. 4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk. 5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to go fetch it. 6. Ask if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza. 7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but I decided to graduate high school. 8. When he asks you to walk the line "Riverdance" instead. 9. Instead of pleading with the 5th amendment, plead with the 13th or 16th. 10. When he asks for

Strategic responses to the ever-dangerous "Do I look Fat" question: "No, not to Stevie Wonder." "No babe, you're not fat, you're fluffy." "Does this tie make me look stupid?" "No hablo ingles." "If I answer that question, my life will be in danger." "Let me jog around to your front and take a look." "No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains." "May I consult a lawyer before answering that?" "Look at your belt size honey, if it says 'equator' on the tag you know the answer."

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender. 1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated. 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. 5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) An Hourglass is Female, bec

Signs in our world... Please be safe. Do not stand, sit, climb or lean on zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you and that might make them sick. Thank you. OUR AIM IS TO KEEP THIS BATHROOM CLEAN. GENTLEMEN: Your aim will help. Stand closer. It's shorter than you think. LADIES: Please remain seated for the entire performance. CAUTION: This machine has no brain. Use your own. St. Cyril of Alexandria Catholic Church Staying in bed shouting, Oh, God! does not constitute going to church. Diocese of Galveston-Houston. Stiff Nipples Air Conditioning Service. 020 8797 2690 Note to NiteLink Passengers. Ladies, the poles are fitted for your safety. No dancing. Attention Dog Gu

What amimal walks with its feet on its head? a flea.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood. Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it. Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy. The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris. Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement"

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

HAPPINESS IS . . . Infantry: A good rifle Cavalry: A big tank Artillery: A loud boom UPON HEARING FIREWORKS Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise Cavalry: Not loud enough Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks? OTHER TRADES Infantry: Waste of rations Cavalry: Waste of rations Artillery: Waste of rations IDEA OF FUN Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective Cavalry: Racing across a grid square on "full stab" Artillery: Leveling a grid square FAVOURITE SONG Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret" Cavalry: "Purple Haze" Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD! BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4 Cavalry