What does PMS stand for? Potential Murder Suspect

WARNING:DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE OR EAT OR GO POTTY! A person named tommy had a wife named heather. Whenever Heather came home, She would bring something disguisting. When heather died in a war, Tommy was sad. He said to himself, I MUST DIE IN A TOILET INSTEAD!

During a break at work, John and Steve are chit-chatting about what happened the previous night: John: "OK, well last night the wife and I decided to go see a play. I waited for 10 minutes downstairs for her to get ready, and we got on our way. So, we're driving down the street, when suddenly a car from oncoming traffic swerves into our lane! I quickly gripped the wheel, and turned out of the way. I hit the guardrail, so my car spun out, took 2 flips in the air, and landed in the ditch at the side of the road. But - guess what? My wife and I crawled out of the car WITHOUT a scratch. What do you think?" Steve: "I...I just can't believe it." John: "I know, right? Isn't it unbelievable how

The pressure of a workday can bring out the weirdness in people. Possibilities for stupidity are endless. Here are some real conversations: Boss: "You make too many mistakes! You're not very consistent." Cube Dweller: "Well, you can't be consistent all the time." Cashier: "And what form of payment will you be using today?" Customer: "Money." Office Manager: "Where were you yesterday?" Peon: "I was at my cousin's funeral." Office Manager: "Why? Did she die?"

Y'know - just when I think I've finally figured out women, I wake up!

Jimmy: Hey, you momma is so fat, that she fills up Myspace Billy: Hey, yo momma IS my space, your space and everybody's space!

A fashionably dressed big cat (dandy lion)

An old Jewish man is picked up by the Stalinist police and brought in for questioning: Where were you born?! St. Petersburg. Where do you live?! Leningrad. (menacingly) Where would you like to die?! St. Petersburg.

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

How do you keep a blonde busy? Write with a sharpie and tell her to erase it.

Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.

Breaking News! Daisy the Dalmation is entering the presidential election along with Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.Right now we are going to hear her campaign speech. " Voting for your next president will be very difficult to chose so let me make it easier. You can vote for the white guy or the black guy. You vote for me you get both.!"