A friend in need . . . . . .is a damn nuisance.

I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.

WARNING: SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND THIS RACIST, ALTHOUGH I MEAN NO OFFENCE. What do you call a Pakistani in a microwave? Ba-ding!!!

Knock-Knock Who's there? Tex Tex who? Tex two to tango.

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"she says. Johnny replies, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car p

Why did the boy buy a new bum? Coz his had a crack in it.

The Fandersan family is a family with two parents and two kids. One day, Mr. Fandersan decided to bring home a state of the art moterhome. When he got home with the motorhome, he left it in the driveway. He then went to bed. But, the next day it was missing. On the driveway there was a note. It said, "We have stolen the motorhome." The parents were freaked out!! "This is a parent's worst nightmare!! Our kids have stolen the car AND are home alone!!!"

Q: What did one chart say to the other? A: "My! You're awfully graphic!"

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? . . . DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the

How do you catch a unique rabbit? You nique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way!

Teacher: Billy why are you late? Billy: Because the sign said "Children Slow"