A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Somebody else's pants." the boy replied.

Three ministers were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church. The first minister said, "I shot at them with a shotgun, but it only spoiled the woodwork." The second said, "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!" The third (who was looking pretty smug) said, "I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."

A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he cou

What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement." Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands." The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, b

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor, who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said, "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat." The lawyer said, " You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150, "for legal consultation".

Children in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children

What do soccer players drink? Penaltea!

Q: You know what's gross? A: When you look in a mirror!

Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was attempting to cross it when yo mamma got hungry.

Guy1: Thats a bunch of cows. Farmer: No, a herd. Guy1: Of course I've heard of cows. Farmer:.No, I mean the cow herd Guy1: I have no secrets from cows