Popular Jokes
A mugger approached a very well-dressed and dignified lawyer on a deserted street one night:
"Gimme your wallet and the keys to your car!"
The lawyer shook his head and said in a patronizing tone: "Do you have ANY idea what it's like to walk in my shoes or wear my clothes? I have more responsibility than you could imagine. I have a family and a firm with a hundred employees. I am in charge of it all! Look at these clothes! Do you know what I have to earn to WEAR a $3,000 suit like this? Look at this fifty dollar necktie! And these cufflinks! Now try to imagine what it is like to walk in these thousand dollar shoes! If you DID know, you would not mug me!"
The mugger looked at the pinstripe
What's the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.
1. How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one.
2. How many Candains does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to whack it out with his hockey stick, and one to screw in the new one.
3. How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to screw it in, 2 to support him, and 1 to disagree with his lightbulb approach.
4. How many terrorists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 to crash a plane into the lightbulb, and 1 to put in the new lightbulb.
5. How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to take out the old one, one to attempt to kick it in to the socket, and one to buy new bulbs after the kicking attemts fail.
Q: How does a redneck take a bubble bath?
A: He farts in a puddle
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't worry about the changes, we'll fake it!
Note: In jazz, the chord changes are what dictates the improvisation of the music.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.
Ah...all the good things we get out of electricity: the T.V., computer, coffee machine, lights, and much more.
What happens when the electricity goes out?
You stop complaining that you can't watch T.V. or send an E-mail, and go buy battery-powered things!
A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.
The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"
One day at Lee Elementary in the 1st grade hallway a little boy named Chris(kid #2 from my spoiled brat joke) and another child name sarah are walking down the hall way.
(sarah and chris bump into each other)
sarah:watch it doo doo head.
chris:you watch it cootie pants.
sarah:who are you calling cootie pants,freckle face.
chris:you,little miss bucktooth.
sarah:well you're nothing but a ugly butt.
chris:why don't you shut the hell up you god damn mother fucking bitch ass whore.
The sexton of the synagogue decided to install a poor box so that the fortunate might share their wealth with the needy. On shabbes eve, he announced to the congregation that a new opportunity for mitzvoh was available. "But," one member complained, "it will be so easy for the goneffs (thieves) to steal from the box." The sexton thought long and hard that night, and announced the next day that he had found a solution. Pointing upward, he showed, the poor box was now suspended from a chain at the ceiling, high, high, high overhead. "But now how do we put money in the box?"
The next week, the congregation saw the wonderful solution. A lovely circular stairway now ascended to the poor box makin
The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
Hire yew - noun. Greeting - How are you - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Howdy. How are you."
Bard - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
Jawjuh - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Atlanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
Munts - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munt
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