An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well, get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

Room service? Send up a larger room. Who are you going to believe; me, or your own eyes? A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms. I am loyal to my employer at all costs.Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every day. I couldn't work under those conditions. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. My goal is to be a meteorologist, but since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. The company made me a scapegoa

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

There was this really annoying elephant named Izzy who loved to brag. One day she went up to a camel, Mell, and said, "I am the most beautiful animal you'll ever see!!" Mell looked at her like she was crazy and said no you're not! Izzy said, "Well, I look better than you because I don't have two boobs on my back!" Mell replied, "True, very true. But at least I don't have a dick on my face."

Pigs are the fourth most intelligent animal in the world. Pig's Tongue contains 15,000 taste buds. For comparison, the human tongue has 9,000 taste buds Dinosaurs didn't eat grass? There was no grass in the days of the dinosaurs. A crocodile's tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth? It cannot move. It cannot chew but its Digestive juices are so strong that it can digest a steel nail, Glass pieces, etc Sharks are immune to disease i.e they do not suffer from any Disease. Animals are either right- or left-handed? Polar bears are always left-handed, and so is Kermit the Frog. Ants don't sleep. The eyes of the chameleon can move independently & can see in two different directions

Penis breath, a lover's dread. Is what you get when you give head. Unpleasant as it tends to be. Be grateful that he doesn't pee. It's times like this you wonder why. You bother reaching for his fly. But it's too late, can't be a tease. Accept the facts, get on your knees. You know you've got a job to do. So open up and shove it through. Lick the tip then take it all. Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl. Slide up and down, use your tongue. And feel the precum start to run. So when the fuck's he gonna cum. Just when you can't take anymore. Your hear your lover's mighty roar. And when he hit's that real high note. You feel it oozing down your throat. Salty, fishy, sticky,

No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.

My health teacher said once he was talking to this one guy and a student. As they were talking the student got curious and asked, "How long have you been teaching here?" My health teachser replied, "Oh about 37 years." The student said he must be old and the other guy, who is elderly as well says, "Ya, and Jesus still owes me a buck."

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.