A doctor came to a sanitarium to check up on the patients. He sees that everybody is walking around with an empty leash. So he asks a few patients what they are doing. They all answered that they are taking their dog out on a walk. Only one of the patients said "What are you, blind? I'm holding an empty leash!" So the doctor says "Very good, I see you are not as crazy as everyone else." When the doctor leaves, the patient says, "Did you see how we fooled him, Sparky?!"

Men's Rules for Women --------------------------- 1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 2) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 3) Saturday = sports. 4) Crying is blackmail. 5)Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 6) We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently. 7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Th

Yo momma so dumb, she spent twenty minutes staring at a orange juice bottle because it said, 'Concentrate'.

How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

You're so stupid, you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

There were three guys on the C.N. tower and the tour guide told them that if either one of them could throw their watches over the side and run down and catch it, they would win 1 million dollars. The first guy threw his watch over and when he got down, it was shattered into a million pieces. The same thing happened to the second guy. The third guy threw his watch over, went home and got a shower, had his dinner, and came back and caught his watch. The all wondered how he did it and he said, " I set it two hours slow"

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."

A man and his friend are out camping and the first one needs to go to the bathroom and they have no toliet paper so he asks his friend what to do. His friend says just wipe it with your hand and smack it on a rock. So the man does so and smacks his hand on a rock and it hurts him really bad, so to reduce the pain he sucks on his hand.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybo

Q. What's worse than raining cats and dogs? A. Hailing taxicabs!

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you. 3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie." 4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." 5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this. 6) While sitting at your de

The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the m