It was the first day of school for little Jimmy. The teacher asked him, "What's 1+1?" Jimmy replied, "3". The teacher said, "You go back home and ask your family what the answer is." So, little Jimmy goes back home. He asks his father, who was having a conversation with his friend, "Daddy, what's 1+1?" The father replied impatiently, "Shut up!" So, little Jimmy asks his mother, "Mommy, what's 1+1?" His mother, who was watching a show about George Bush on TV, carelessly responded, "George Bush." Then Jimmy goes to his sister, "What's 1+1?" The sister was having a hot bath and she replied, "Oooohhhh, aahhhh". Finally, Jimmy sees his brother, "What's 1+1?" he asked. Jimmy's brother was just

Knock-Knock! Who's there? Frayed. Frayed who? Frayed no one's going to answer the door.

PLEASE DON'T SMOKE IN MY OFFICE! I enjoy sex more than you enjoy smoking but you don't see me screwing in your office.

A guy walks up to a doctor and asks: "What type of questions do you ask people to decide if they are retarded or not?" "I ask questions like; If you had to empty a bathtub that was full of water, and I gave you a teaspoon, a bucket, and a cup, how would you get the water out?" "Oh I see," the man said, "a sensible man would use the bucket because it is bigger." "No, a sensible person would pull the plug."

If your dog farts and YOU claim it... you might be a redneck.

Knock-Knock. Who's There? Cargo. Cargo Who? Car Go "Beep, Beep!"

Recently, my redneck neighbors invited me to a party. Here was our conversation: "Hey dude! Where are you man? We're having a great party over here. Why don't you come on over and join us?" I replied, "Man, I'm not feeling so good. I think I'm gonna stay right here." "Well, hey. What'cha got?" they asked. "I got a case of diarrhea," I responded. "Well heck, bring it along. These fools will drink anything!"

HOW TO GET A TAN WITH A BLOWTORCH HOW TO BE FUNNY by Gilbert Gottfried MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O J Simpson ZAGAT'S GUIDE TO CITIES WITHOUT A STARBUCKS THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT FAST & EFFICIENT WINDOWS PROGRAMS HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore BEATING A DRUG ADDICTION by Darryl Strawberry AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF

Q: How do you sink a canadian submarine? A: You swim underneath it and knock on the door

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

Barbie Dolls Inc. announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the California market. Rancho Santa Fe Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Saks Fifth Avenue. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a mansion. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken. Poway Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit. National City Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevr