This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stumbles upon a redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt. "Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all. The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there. So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?" The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver." "Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says. "NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"

Yo mamma so fat when she wears high heels 2 hours later they're flip flops.

Your momma so fat when she broke a leg gravy came out.

Yo mama is so stupid she stole a free sample.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

3 guys die in a car wreck and are sent to heaven. At the gates St. Peter asks the three men what they would want their families to say at the funeral. The first man says, "I want them to say I was an excellent husband and a great police officer." The second man says, "I want them to say I was a great husband, a wonderful teacher and that I made a huge difference in their lives." The third man says, "I wish they would say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terrible situation, would say, "It could have been worse." Everyone in town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to lie to him. They went up to him and said, "Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't it terrible?" Then Jack said, "Well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!" The townspeople said, "How could that possibly be worse?" Jack replied, "Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"

The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut!

Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery? You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

After they'd brought their first baby home from the hospital, a young wife suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one." The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how to change diapers. He looked puzzled. "Oh," he replied finally. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"