Famous Quotes To Ponder

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James Baldwin Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katherine Hepburn If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll." - George Carlin How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were? - Satchel Paige Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. It's not much of a watchdog, but it's a vicious gossip. - Craig Shoemaker As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions. - Woody Allen They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! - George Carlin I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. - Ronald Reagan If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy. - Jennifer Lopez Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better. - George W. Bush I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!' - Ashton Kutcher Profanity is the adjective of the feeble minded. - Gordon Lane When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit. - George Carlin A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor He who stops being better stops being good. - Oliver Cromwell You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy - Erica Jong Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. - Albert Einstein The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it! - Franklin Jones Outside of the killings, Washington DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Marion Barry A hospital bed is a parked taxi, with the meter running - Groucho Marx I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong. - Bertrand Russell A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits. - Richard Nixon I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror. - Richard Lewis If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. - Dolly Parton Dog is God spelled backwards. That means something, I'm just not sure what exactly, but human is numah spelled backwards. - Marc-Christophe Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms? - George Carlin According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does. - Conan O'Brien 30. All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. - Ellen DeGeneres Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance? - Phyllis Diller Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language. - Caroline Rhea Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein Having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. - Martin Mull Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. - Howard Aiken Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram." - Rita Rudner Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - George Burns Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho Marx I don't think my family liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. - Woody Allen I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. - Janeane Garofalo When will all the rhetorical questions end? - George Carlin I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. - Joan Rivers A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. - Willy Wonka Whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're probably right. - Henry Ford Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. - Harry S. Truman Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. - Groucho Marx Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer 50. The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. - John Paul Getty Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. - Judith Viorst It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. - Bertrand Russell You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give - Winston Churchill If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. - Martin Luther King Jr. I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. - Tom Lehrer The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. - Anonymous There are very few people who don't become more interesting when they stop talking. - Mary Lowry The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. - Fran Lebowitz All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. - Red Skelton Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. - Bertolt Brecht Always be sincere. Even if you don't mean it. - Harry S. Truman It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge. - George Carlin First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. - Mahatma Gandhi When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. - George Carlin You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. - Albert Einstein Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them were serious. - Alan Minter (Boxer) Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. - Emo Philips A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samuel Goldwyn If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck. - Elvis Presley Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen If life gives you lemons, make some sort of fruity juice. - Conan O'Brien