Two kangaroos were living in a zoo pen with a 20-foot high fence. One morning, both kangaroos were found wandering around the zoo, and were quickly put back in their pen, and the fence was put up to 30 feet. Next morning, they were found outside again, so the fence was made 40 feet high. The fence got up to 60 feet, and still the kangaroos were outside in the morning. One kangaroo says to the other, "How high will they make this fence, do you think?" "Don't know," says the second. "Depends when they discover they're not locking the gate." An elephant walks into a pub and orders a drink. He's sipping his beer when a man starts playing the piano. The elephant looks over, and bursts into tears

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought 'Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer!' and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said 'Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.' The priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him with my

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off; go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Darn those pushy metric system advocates! Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up. "MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control. "CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). "APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEA

If brains were fuel, you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the edge of a penny.

You know you're a redneck if you would rather your son have his own hunting show than become a doctor.

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Two Boy Scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came upon a cemetery. The boys decided that it would be a good place to stop and rest to divide the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts into a large pile. In the process, two of the nuts rolled away and settled near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me..." As they were doing this, another

Patient: Doctor doctor, J keep seeing doubles! Doctor: Please take a seat. Patient: Which one?

-Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. -Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. -Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. -Bathhouses are against the law. -In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. -No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. -Women may not drive in a house coat. -It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.