Popular Jokes
The only thing the Internal Revenue Service has not
yet taxed is the penis.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is
hanging around unemployed. 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off, and 10% of the time it's in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts!
Effective January 2004, penises will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows:
10"-12" LUXURY TAX
8"-10" POLE TAX
5"-8" PRIVILEGE TAX
4"-5" NUISANCE TAX
Males exceeding 12 inches must file under capital
gains. Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
I know this isn't too funny, but it's one of those simple ones that put a smile on your face.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
A: He pulls out his Diners' Club card.
Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A: A giraffic jam.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat?
A: The Dolly Llama.
I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experiences with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense.
When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."
Five cannibals were employed by Army as scouts and translators during on of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Officer of ground forces welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Soldiers are eating. But please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Soldier." The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the CO returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Master Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the CO left
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they te
Child: Mom! I got a 100% on my homework!
Mom: Really? On what subject?
Child: A 40% on science and a 60% on spelling.
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