10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.' 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad. 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on. 7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing. 6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's. 5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same buil

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as: "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position; 1. a Japanese Samurai 2. a Chinese Samurai 3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!) The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground. The emperor exclaimed "That is very impre

You know you're a redneck if you would rather your son have his own hunting show than become a doctor.

What's gray and comes in packets? Instant elephant. What's gray and comes in buckets? An elephant. What's gray and has a trunk? A mouse going on holiday. How do elephants hide in cherry trees? They paint their toe-nails red. How do elephants get down from cherry trees? Sit on a leaf and wait for fall. How do elephants hide in custard? Paint the soles of their feet yellow and hide upside down.

What's the difference between a leg and an egg? You can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up!

In Utah, the following laws are on the books: 1) Birds have the rightaway on all highways. 2)It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list. 3) In Tremonton, it is illegal to have sex in a moving ambulance.If you are caught doing so the guy is let go and the woman is punished and her name appears in the newspaper. 4) In Trout Creek, pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.

A New Yorker, a redneck and a Mexican go in to the bathroom, and start to wash. The Mexican and the New Yorker start to wash their hands. The Mexican says, "At my school they taught me to use a paper towel to dry your hands, so they get dry." The New Yorker says, "My teacher told me to use the dryers, so we save trees." At that time, the red neck finishes his 'business', and right before opening the bathroom door, the Mexican said, "Gross, man, you did not wash your hands!" The redneck says, "Well, my teacher taught me to not piss on my hands."

There's this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom." The doctor says, "It's ok, I'll give you some cream to put on it."

OBJECTIVE To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior. EDUCATION School: Very Expensive Major: Not Important GPA: Don't Ask EMPLOYMENT NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages. DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father. RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.

Timmy had been having a hard time in math class and got an 'F' on almost all of his report cards. His mom thought he'd be better off if he went to a private Catholic school. The very first day of school Timmy came home, went straight to his room and began working until he finally just fell asleep on his bed. This continued for a long time until he got his first report card from the new school and his mom was so proud when he got an 'A' in Math. She said, "I knew you'd do better in a private school." Then she says how did you do so well?" and Timmy replies, "When I walked in and saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business."