Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!

Women as Explained by Engineers Finally- an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man! Element: Woman Discoverer: Adam Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg, to 225 kg. Physical properties ___________________ Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint. Boils at absolutely nothing-freezes for no apparent reason. Found in various grades, ranging from virgin material, to common ore. Chemical properties ____________________ Reacts well to gold, platinum, and all precious stones. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning. The most powerful money-reducing agent known to man. Common Use __________________ Highly ornamental, especially

Pedro was driving down the street, in a panic, because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

Yo momma is so stupid, she tried to kill 2 stones with one bird!

What do you call 2 nuns and 3 prostitutes on a football field? 2 Tight Ends and 3 Wide Receivers

What was the blonde college student doing at the harbor? Looking for an internship.

A blonde and a brunette are walking along the sidewalk, and the brunette says she is dying of thirst and wants Dr. Pepper. The blonde runs across town into the nearest hospital and asks the receptionist for Dr. Pepper. The receptionist says OK, and hands her a bottle of soda. The blonde says, "What do you think this is? A Joke? My friend is dying and needs to see Dr. Pepper right away!!!"

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back. Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah,"

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

If this offends anyone, PM me. You know you're a Mexican when... 1. Someone related to you has their name tattooed anywhere on their body. 2. Your family goes to the flea market in their Sunday's best. 3. Your birthday doesn't have cake, candy, and Coca-Cola but has fajitas, chicken, and tequila. 4. When you've seen your uncle wearing your "new" clothes. 5. Your favorite music is not rap, rock, pop, or oldies, but instead, Tejano.

Yo momma so fat, she saw a Snickers commercial on TV...it said "Hungry? Why wait?"...so she ate the TV.