Popular Jokes
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year,
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist.
"I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string.
"It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments lat
-The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
-The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
-The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
-The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
-The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
-The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.
-The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
-The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
-The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
-The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
-The Foolish Pe
A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.
1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.
A man is driving down the road when he spots 2 priests on the side nailing signs into the ground.
The first sign says, "The End is Near!!" The man turns to look at the other mans sign and it reads, "Turn back while you still can!"
The man then sticks his head out his car window and yells, "Leave everyone alone, you religious nutcases!" as he drives by. A few seconds later the two priests hear a splash.
The first priest turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should just put up a 'Bridge Out' sign."
THINGY:
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra
VULNERABLE:
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION:
female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for the weekend with the boys.
BUTT:
female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT:
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with the girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT:
Pilot: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!"
Tower: "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"
The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)...
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
"Picabo, ICU".
Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath with bubbles.
Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Bobs neighbor.
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