In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments: Exposure A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam

"Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!" / "Shoot him!" / "Maybe we should shave off his moustache?" / "Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!". (In another version, Stalin replies shortly Ili tak [lit. or so], meaning "this way is ok too", which has become somewhat proverbial).

How many Dominicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Dominican one to hold the bulb and Dominican two to turn Dominican one

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.' This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen." The mayor start

What if people bought cars like they buy Computers? The car companies don't have help lines for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, imagine if they did..... Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you? Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened! Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it? Customer: What's an ignition? Helpline: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine. Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms to use my car. Helpline: Toyota Helpline, how can I help you? Customer: M

A man dies and goes to hell. When he arrives Satan gives him a choice of what eternal punishment he'll be given. They go to a wall with 3 doors. Satan opens the first door and there are people standing on their heads on blocks of ice. The man says, "No way, I cant do this punishment." So they move on to the next room. Satan opens the second door and there are people standing on their heads on a brick floor. The man says, "No way, that would give me headaches forever." So they move on to the next room. Satan opens the door and inside there are people sitting in cow manure drinking tea and eating cookies. The man figures it can't be that bad so he chooses to spend eternity in that room. Just

A blonde is speeding down a deserted street when she is pulled over by a police officer. The officer very politely requests to see the blondes license. The blonde very indignant replies, "You know what? I'm getting tired of you cops. You just can't make up your mind. Last week you took away my license, and now you want me to show it to you?"

This American is on a business trip to Mexico and has the first day off. He decides he wants to ride a donkey, a traditional Mexican thing. He asks this local man if he can rent a donkey for the day. The man says, "Gringo we call them asses here in Mexico. If you want him to stop though you need to scratch him." The American agrees and pays the Mexican man his money and rides away. The man then decides that he wants something to eat so he rides to a hot dog stand. He asks the man if he can get a hot dog with mustard and relish. The man then replies "Sir, we call them weeners here." The American agrees and hands the man his money. He then sees that his donkey is slowly walking away. So

One day, I went to the shooting gallery at the fair, one with the smiling clowns. I aimed and fired. Imagine my reaction when the target started yelling obscenities and charged. "WOW! These fairs are really getting high-tech," I thought. Just to impress the girls watching, I held my ground and continued firing. Pretty soon, he lost all of his teeth, but he still kept coming. And that was some realistic blood! I aimed up at the forehead, and the target dropped like a rock. A security guard walked up to me and said, "How do you feel? You just killed a carnie, you sicko!" "Wow, real carnival people!" I said, "I gotta get some of those for my shotgun at home! Carnies are cheaper than paper tar

1. Log on: Make the wood stove hotter 2. Log off: Don't add no more wood 3. Monitor: Keep an eye on that wood stove 4. Download: Getting the firewood off the truck 5. Floppy Disk: What you fet from trying to carry to much firewood 6. Ram: The thing that splits the firewood 7. Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter 8. Prompt: "Throw another log on the fire" 9. Window: What to shut when it's cold outside 10. Screen: What to shut in fly season 11. Byte: What flies do 12. Bit: What the flies did 13. Mega Byte:

College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version Time Limit: 3 Weeks Name: _____________________________ 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to ___ (a) build a bridge ___ (b) sail the ocean ___ (c) lead an army or ___ (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? ___ (a) Jewish ___ (b) Catholic ___ (c) Hindu ___ (d) Polish ___ (e) Agnostic (check only one) 5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and th