Where is the safest place to hide money from a redneck? In his work boots! How can you tell a redneck has been in your backyard? Your bike is gone and the dog is pregnant!!

Why was the baby ant afraid of his uncles? Because his uncles were all ants!

THIS IS A TRUE STORY!!! My cousin works as a technical support receptionist at a computer company. This is an actual conversation he had one day: "Hi, I'm having trouble with my computer. It's not working!" "Well, I'll do my best to help you." *gets technical information for computer from caller* "OK, can you press 'Control', then hold down 'Alt' and, then 'Delete'?" "Hey, it's in French!" "What is?" "The keyboard?" "*sigh* Well, can you press..." "Oh, darn, I just noticed, the power's off!" "Well, can you turn it on, please?" "How?" "Press the power button." "Where is it?" "It's normally a big button on the actual computer, not the monitor." "Like the lizard?" "Pardon me?" "

Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars. One man said, "I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." Another man says, "I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." The last man speaks up saying, "Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!"

I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.

Miss Blue(Teacher):"2 x 2 = 4, 4 x 4 = 16, and now, Brian, what is 16 x 16?" Brian(Pupil): "You cheated, Miss Blue. You always take the easy one and give us the hardest."

Q: What was Jesus when he was resurrected? A: A Born Again Christian

In Clinton, Alabama, it is illegal to molest your automobile. Now how would you go about doing that? And how would your automobile testify against you?

A detachment of paratroopers was practicing in a rural area. One jumper landed on the property of an old mountain man and his very large family. One of the kids saw the chute floating down and yelled out to his father, "Pa, bring your shotgun. The stork is bringing 'em full grown now!"

A veterinarian was feeling ill, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor asked all the usual questions ... what symptoms did he have, how long had they been occurring, etc., when the vet interrupted him: "Look, doc, I'm a vet and I can't ask my patients these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking - why can't you?" he said smugly. The doctor nodded, stood back and looked the vet up and down. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to the vet, and said, "There you go. Of course, you do understand that if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep!"

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend. So, last week, this flier came around: LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR: WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE? (Get your manager's permission before attending)

I plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. You know, if I looked like you, then I'd probably be plastering make-up on, too. You looked in a mirror lately? You're just jealous - weighing 10 stone is a big achievement. You remind me of a person I once knew. He was called the Hulk. If you are wondering why I'm napping, it's because you always want us to be wide awake. If I nap now, I'll be awake later. Now let me sleep. Well, well, well. Looks like the latest circus freak just escaped. Why am I in free dress? Well, that's the benefit of being the boss.