The masked and armed man entered the bank. "Nobody move, or you're geography!" shouts the bandit. One of the tellers says, "Don't you mean 'history'?" "Don't change the subject!"

Why do black people wear hats with such big bills? So birds don't shit on their lips

A pregnant woman was on a bus. As the bus was going along, the woman started to give birth. An off-duty doctor rushed to her side and started to help her. He shouted to the rest of the bus, "Can someone help me?" Then towards the back of the bus a blond got up and smashed the back window. The doctor turned to her and said, "What did you do that for?" The blond replied, "Well it said on the window, In emergency, break glass."

A family was eating out at a restaurant. The waiter who had been standing by them said in quite an upset manner "Well I guess I'm gonna go home, make myself a cold tuna sandwich, watch the news, and then cry myself to sleep again." The mother of the family looks at him in pity and says " would you like to join us?" The waiter shouts back, "Did you not just hear me?! I have an evening planned!"

What's gray and comes in packets? Instant elephant. What's gray and comes in buckets? An elephant. What's gray and has a trunk? A mouse going on holiday. How do elephants hide in cherry trees? They paint their toe-nails red. How do elephants get down from cherry trees? Sit on a leaf and wait for fall. How do elephants hide in custard? Paint the soles of their feet yellow and hide upside down.

An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman were discussing a good example of savoir-faire. "Ok," said the Englishman, "if you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you didn't kill him, that to me, is savoir-faire." "Not quite, fellas," said the American. "If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please carry on', that's savoir-faire." "Mais non," said the Frenchman. "If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please carry on', and he could, that's savoir-faire."

Bill had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison: "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. -- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. -- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. -- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. -- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. -- Lymph (v.), to walk with a limp. -- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. -- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. -- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. -- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'. -- Frisbeetarianism (n.),

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety. Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

Yo Momma so fat you were born in the middle of the ocean!

Yo Momma's so big, the Apollo 13 crashed into her head, right before it landed on the moon! Maybe that explains why she's so stupid.

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop. 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral. 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead. 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away. 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back. 8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Any More! 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In. 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics