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Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I

What kind of key can't open a door.

What kind of key can't open a door. A monkey

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen were waiting. "Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsches?" he asks. The Englishmen just stare at him. "M'excusez-vous, parlez-vous français ?" They continue to stare. "Lo scusate, parlate italiano?" No response. "¿Me excusa, usted habla español?" Still nothing. The Swiss man drives off in disgust. One Englishman says to the other, "Y'know, maybe we ought to learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That feller knew 4 languages, and it didn't do him any good!"

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence Faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species. Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding. Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours. - Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. - His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. - I would not allow this employee to breed. - This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be. - Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. - When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. - He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. - This young lady has delusio

An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, in a thick acccent, "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread." So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply. So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply. So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a who

Girliepie has one that is really embarrassing! I tell it from her point of view - It was the next to last day of school and I was walking in the hall with my friends. I saw my friend Jacob a few feet away from me, so I decided to say hi. We always play around, so I went up behind him and put my arm around him and said, "Hey sexy". He turned around and looked at me and it wasn't him! It was some kid I've never seen before in my life! My face turned beet red!

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window. If you can read this, my wife fell off! (Seen on the back of a biker's vest.) If you can beat me, you can eat me! (Seen on a Corvette driven by a "drop-dead gorgeous blonde.") Remember: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph. GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? Boldly going nowhere. Cat: The other white meat. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway He's not dead, He's electro-encephalographically challenged If you c

An old Indian lined up all of his ten sons and stood in front of them. He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" Nobody answered him. He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" And again nobody answered. The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish. Little Indian tell truth, I no punish." So the Indian asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" The littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff. " The old Indian then shakes him, spanks him, does everything he can to punish him. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get