Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Ba

Rate this joke 4 smiles and g I'll give you $5 Stop here and rate now Read the rest after you vote You don't need to read the comments now Vote Now NOW NOW!!!! NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW DID YOU VOTE 4?

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I

What kind of key can't open a door.

What kind of key can't open a door. A monkey

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen were waiting. "Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsches?" he asks. The Englishmen just stare at him. "M'excusez-vous, parlez-vous français ?" They continue to stare. "Lo scusate, parlate italiano?" No response. "¿Me excusa, usted habla español?" Still nothing. The Swiss man drives off in disgust. One Englishman says to the other, "Y'know, maybe we ought to learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That feller knew 4 languages, and it didn't do him any good!"

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence Faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species. Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding. Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours. - Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. - His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. - I would not allow this employee to breed. - This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be. - Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. - When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. - He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. - This young lady has delusio

An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, in a thick acccent, "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread." So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply. So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply. So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a who

Girliepie has one that is really embarrassing! I tell it from her point of view - It was the next to last day of school and I was walking in the hall with my friends. I saw my friend Jacob a few feet away from me, so I decided to say hi. We always play around, so I went up behind him and put my arm around him and said, "Hey sexy". He turned around and looked at me and it wasn't him! It was some kid I've never seen before in my life! My face turned beet red!

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window. If you can read this, my wife fell off! (Seen on the back of a biker's vest.) If you can beat me, you can eat me! (Seen on a Corvette driven by a "drop-dead gorgeous blonde.") Remember: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph. GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? Boldly going nowhere. Cat: The other white meat. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway He's not dead, He's electro-encephalographically challenged If you c