Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them. What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A $100 bill. How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let her do the dishes in the dark. What do toys and womens breasts have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them. What is love? The delusion that one woman differs from another. Monkeys and girls both are same. They fight only for bananas. Boys and rats are same; they search only for holes. Why did God create lesbians? So feminists couldn't breed. Why do women talk so much? Because they have two sets of lips. What's the difference between your

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure. Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work. What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game. How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. What's the best way to force a man to do situps? Put the remote control between his toes. How do you get a man to stop bit

Online dating is huge now. Everyone from EHarmony to Match.com have been benefitting from the surge in personals. But impersonal nature of online personals need a little clarifying. Below you'll find a guide to better enable yourself "Find That Special Someone" Female Beautiful Bulgarian girl = I need a green card Beautiful Ukranian girl = I need a green card Beautiful Romanian girl = I need a green card....possibly a gypsy I love doing yoga and running with my dog = a really good lay Athletic = No tits Spends too much time at work / Work Hard = I'm cheating on you and we haven't even met Beautiful = Pathological liar Contagious Smile = Takes a lot of pills Emotionally Secure = On medicati

Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say -What do you mean today's our anniversary? -I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. -Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends". -The new girl in my office is a stripper...I invited her over for dinner on Friday. -Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. -I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. -I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! -That was a great fart! Do another one! -God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! -I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. -Can we not talk to each other tonight? -I'd rather just watch TV. -

Man: Why do you have a steering wheel in your crotch? Other Man: My wife was driving me nuts

I was recently riding with a friend of mine. We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives. We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives. We come to a green light, and he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why do you do that?!" He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today." HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." HIM "OK, darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news." HER "Well, the air bag works."

One man solved his problem of too many visiting relatives by borrowing money from the rich ones and loaning it to the poor ones.

A son asked his mother the following question: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

A teenage boy with spiked hair, a nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

A good marriage would be between a blind woman, and a deaf man.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman