Category Jokes - At Work
A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife, "Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news, I got $25,000 severance pay!"
His wife said, "$25,000 in severance pay? That's great! So what's the bad news?"
He said, "Wait till you hear what was severed!"
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress'."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma o
"Tomorrow is a boiling hot day, at 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The day after that is the same temperature, as well as the next and the next. Won't these temperatures ever cool down?"
"Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane."
"Il compagno spiacente, questo è un farmacista."
A boss of a computer company walked up to one of his workers.
"You're fired!" exclaimed the boss.
"I didn't do anything!" replied the confused worker.
The boss, happy with his answer, says, "I know. That's why you're fired!"
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselv
I plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
You know, if I looked like you, then I'd probably be plastering make-up on, too.
You looked in a mirror lately?
You're just jealous - weighing 10 stone is a big achievement.
You remind me of a person I once knew. He was called the Hulk.
If you are wondering why I'm napping, it's because you always want us to be wide awake. If I nap now, I'll be awake later. Now let me sleep.
Well, well, well. Looks like the latest circus freak just escaped.
Why am I in free dress? Well, that's the benefit of being the boss.
Teacher: Oh I really love my husband he's so cute and kind and everything! I will never do anything to hurt him.
Jack: Looks like you really love your husband, teacher.
Cara: It looks pretty obvious.
After lunchtime the bell rang and everyone went to their classroom. When their teacher came...
Teacher: Who keeps putting this ball pen on my table?! I will spill the ink to the one who keeps putting this thing.
Cara: Ummm teacher a while ago your husband came and put that ball pen on your table, and he told me to remind you that that was the ball pen that you were looking for since last month.
A waitress at a restaurant that David worked at had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. To make matters worse, she'd planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand-new employee, David knew none of this backstory, so you can imagine his surprise when the found a note on the employees' community board saying:
"It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes."
Home
