TWO POINT GAGS Run one lap around the office at top speed Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player' must be in the bathroom at the time) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye" To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!" Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way" Walk sideways to the photocopier. While riding an elevator, ga

This Story is true! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had written the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wro

When the body was first made all the parts of the body were fighting to see who would become the boss of the body. The fight for power was most intense between the limbs, the brain, and ..... the asshole. The limbs said they should be boss because they control the human, and without them the body was useless and couldnt move or do anything. The brain said it should be boss becauses it has to control the whole body and without the brain nothing in the body would function, neither the limbs or the asshole. The asshole said simply, "I'm the boss." The brain and limbs laughed at him. The asshole was so mad he closed up and the body became constipated. The brain couldnt think straight and be

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything any time!" "Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job." He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000. "How in the world did you do that?" they asked. "I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, any time!" "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help. "Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important." Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."

In the beginning was the Plan And then came the assumptions And the assumptions were without form And the Plan was completely without substance And darkness was upon the faces of the workers And they spake unto their Group Heads, and sayeth: "It is a crock, and it stinketh!" And the Group Heads went unto their Section Heads, and sayeth: "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof." And the Section Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them: "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went to their Director, and sayeth unto him: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the

Prison v. Work In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' by 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' by 8' cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, is never lazy. He's always hard at work in his cubicle. Bob is always working independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees. He is great. His assignments are always on time, never late. You should hire him. Often, Bob skips his coffee breaks to compelte his work. He has worked dillegently. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as worthy employee, and cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob should be promoted, and a proposal

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect ans

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

From the instruction manual for the first stewardesses (in 1930): Keep the clock and altimeter wound up. Carry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded. Warn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out the windows. Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they don't mistakenly go out the emergency exit.

I broke in to a gun shop last week. I didn't know that the owner lived on-site. He must have spent every night for the last ten years thinking of what he would do to the poor, hapless soul who would try to break in. I pointed my gun at him and he held up a grenade as he ran at me. I should be able to breath again in a few years. The old shopkeeper is dead, but, man, he got a hell of a laugh in before he left the world, Kamikaze style.