The following are 10 ways to tell if you have PMS, 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****." 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

The following were actually published, -Include your children when baking cookies! -Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted -Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says -British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands -Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. -Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. -For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. -For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur col

More mistakes in publication, -Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. -Stock up and save. Limit: one. -Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. -We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last. -This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens. -For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15. -For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. -Man, honest. Will take anything. -Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. -Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop. -Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Mus

What do you call a bear who's into gardening? A Hairy Potter!

How do you turn a blonde into a brunette? Make her do a cartwheel!

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph, with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I

Insurance Form Statements... Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year,

1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all. 2. Yelling at me for barking...I AM DOG!! 3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?!! 4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. EXACTLY whose walk is this anyway? 5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose..........stop it. 6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy the carpet? 7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet. 8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last 600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton, and George Washington were all on an airplane looking out the door. George Washington says, " I'm going to make somebody happy" then throws a $20 out of the plane. Bill Clinton says, "I'm going to make two people happy" then throws 2 $20's out of the plane. Abraham Lincoln says "I'm going to make everybody happy" and throws Bill Clinton out of the plane.

Middle Age: when knees buckle and belts don't.