A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes, I will," replied the student. He the

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"

One spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. "Are you all right?" I asked. Still sobbing, one held up her doll. "My baby's arm came off," she said. I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole. "Thank you." came a whisper. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, "And what's the matter with you, young lady?" She wiped her cheeks. "I was helping her cry," she said.

Knock Knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock Knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock Knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock Knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock Knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana!

1 How do you fit an elephant into your fridge within 3 steps? 2 How do you fit a zebra in your fridge? 3 King of the jungle , the lion every animal in the jungle will come to his wedding but one animal won't which one is it? 4 A man needs to get to the other side of a bridge desperately there are killer alligators that live in the river and there is no boat how do you get across?? 1. step 1- open the fridge. step 2- put elephant in the fridge. step 3- close the fridge. 2. step 1- open the fridge. step 2- take the elephant out. step 3- put the zebra in. step 4- close the fridge. 3. The zebra because it is in the fridge. 4. Swim because the alligators are at the

Yo mamma so fat when she sat on a jelly bean it got lost between her butt and her backbone, and we have been looking for it still for 31 years.

Q: What's the difference between a girls track team and a tribe of pygmies? A: The pygmies are cunning little runts.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes standing side-by-side? A: A wind tunnel.

Simon the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Simon in tears. "We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed. "Why?" gasped Simon. "Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways." Simon was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters cam

The following are 10 ways to tell if you have PMS, 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****." 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

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