If ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon?

This is the conversation from "That 70s Show" when Fez first "does it." Note: If you have never seen the show, these are, you guessed it, teenagers. Fez: Knock-knock. Kelso: Who's there? Fez: I did it! *Everyone claps* Kelso: Wait, wait, I wanna hear this. I did it who? Eric: Wait a minute...this isn't like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity, and lost it? Fez: No, this is the real thing. Kelso: You know, I had a hamster once. I tied him up to a helium balloon with a note, made it all the way to Minnesota. Eric: Alive? Kelso: No, I'm going to send a dead hamster up in a balloon. Eric: So, come on, tell us all about it. Fez: Well, it was incredible. Nina and I started off kissi

I always find myself arguing with my sister over who got up earliest in the morning. It's ridiculous. I have to remind myself that I really don't care. Usually this is what happens... (sister walks into the room) Her: Hey. What time did you get up this morning? Me: Um...around 9:00. Her: Oh. I woke up at 7:30. Me: Well, I woke up at 6 and didn't get back to sleep until 8:00. It always takes me a while to get back to sleep... Her: Yeah, I got up a bunch of times this morning. The dog woke me up. Me: (under my breath) Dammit.

Ok...so when I was little my parents would fight all the time. Is there any married couple in the world that doesn't do this? Anyways, my mom hated paper towels. She just did. Especially the half-sized ones. Apparently there was no point in wasting a paper towel when you could use a dish towel. Quite understandable. My dad, on the other hand, felt differently. "Why use a dirty old dish rag when you can buy some decent paper towels and reuse them?" Whenever I walked into the kitchen with the purpose of washing my hands, I would quickly scan the room and see who was there. If my dad was around, I would grab a paper towel. He would always give me that sincere yet smug smile and think that he h

One professor says your IQ measures how much you know. A scientist says your IQ measures how much information you are capable of learning. All I want to know is how long it will take me to get with your sister. I mean DAMN!

With iPhone, dialing contacts is a snap. Let's say you wanted to contact your ex-girlfriend to let her know how badly she's hurt you. Simply press her name, and the call is dialed. "Dammit, Rick, stop calling me!" Then, when another call comes in, simply place that call on hold and answer the second one. "This is Detective Hanson, from the Bay Area Police Department." To block the call, simply press ignore. iPhone is also the best iPod ever made. With it, you can listen to the song that was playing when she said you'd be together forever. *music* Then, you can use Google maps to locate the street where she's moved away to. Simply touch the traffic button and iPhone tells you the best route t

iPhone is a revolutionary portable communications device, and now it's gotten even better with the iPhone 3G. Keeping your calendar up-to-date is a snap. You can go back to the day you spent $600 on the first generation iPhone, then scroll forward to see the day the price was lowered by $200. You can even view pictures of your reaction when you found out you might as well have thrown $200 bills into a urinal. And peed on them. Use the all-new scientific calculator to tally how much the new iPhone 3G is going to cost you, factoring in the 15 to 25 percent increase in monthly service charges. Don't forget to subtract what you could sell your first generation iPhone for. The new iPhone has GPS,

10. Horton Hears a Ho 9. National Pleasure 2: Book of Secretions 8. I Am Legend...In Bed 7. The Suck It List 6. I Know Who Drilled Me 5. Scat-Atouille 4. Gush Hour 3 3. No Country for Old Balls 2. Alvin in the Chipmunks 1. Iron Man

NFL - National Farting Legends BC - Before Comedy BAD - Being A Dumbass BEG - Big Evil Grin BF - Begging Forgiveness AA - Admirable Alcoholics NASA - Never Associate Sex with Aircrafts AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse ATLA - Another Three Letter Acronym BANANA - Being A Nuisance And Never Apologizing BFI - Bunch of F***ing Idiots BICBW - But I Could Be Wrong (used rarely) BMTIPG - Brilliant Minds Think In Parallel Gutters BSOD - Blue Screen Of Death CADET - Can't Add, Doesn't Even Try COTFLGOHAHA - Crawling On The Floor Laughing Guts Out And Having A Heart Attack (why don't we see this more often?) CPF - Can Pigs Fly? (well can they???) CRAFT - Can't Remember A F***ing Thi

The teacher told one kid, "You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments." The kid said, "Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid."

Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big ears you have!" Wolf: "All the better to hear you with." Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big eyes you have!" Wolf: "All the better to see you with." Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big hands you have!" Wolf: "All the better to grab you with!" Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what a horribly big mouth you have!" Wolf: "All the better to eat you with!" Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what a big dick you have!"

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer. BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER - What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselv