Aron: Throw all of your fish in the air. Jake: Why? Aron: So I can tell my mom I honestly caught them.

Cinfuscious says : It is nice to meet a woman in the park but is better to park meat in a woman.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I know a person who is an owl. Doctor: Who? Patient: Now I know two. Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?" Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"

Sean: I've finally cleared my mind! Dean: Does your new one work?

A man goes into a sportswear shop, and when a pretty blonde assistant asks him what he wants, he goes red in the face and stammers, "A packet of condoms, please." The assistant says, "This is a sportswear shop, we don't sell condoms!" and the man leaves. Two days later, he's back. "A packet of condoms, please." "I've told you before, we don't sell condoms!" and again, he gets all flustered and leaves hurriedly. Three days later, and he enters the shop again. This time, the manager is ready for him, and goes up to him, saying, "We do NOT sell condoms!" He blusters, and eventually admits, "Actually, I'm after a Dallas Cowboys shirt, but I was just too embarrassed to ask for one!"

What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it? His head!

At a wedding, the D.J. polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. The winners were then asked, "What advice do you have for the newlyweds?" The wife quickly responded, "The three most important words in a marriage are 'You're probably right'." Everyone then looked at the husband. He said, "Yeah, she's probably right!"

"Every day I live with fear, but occasionally I leave her and go drag racing." "I like to snatch kisses and vice versa." Seen on an attractive and busty brunette: "Size DOES matter!" Seen on a different attractive and busty brunette: "We could mate ...(picture of black widow spider) ... but then I'd have to kill you." Seen on a very overweight guy in a parking lot: "I beat anorexia." "Goal Of A Bitch: To dominate, control and destroy a man's finances, mental health, self-esteem and any hope for happiness." Seen being worn by one.

Four friends are at a bar one night when they spy a gorgeous woman sitting down at a table. They know they can't all have her so they decide to take turns trying to get the girl. The first friend walks up to the woman and says "Is it hot in here or is it just you"? The woman replies by turning away and the man plods back sadly to his friends. The second friend sits down next to her and very romantically states "heaven must be missing an angel". The lady tells him to leave so he goes back to sit with his friends. The third friend orders her a drink and sits down with her. He places his hand on her leg and before he can utter a word she calls security and he gets thrown out the bar. The fourth

A guy is sitting with a woman at a bar late at night and they are flirting with each other. The lady tells him all about herself and the man sits there listening. After she is done, the man repeats what she said. "So, you're a 20 year old college graduate from Harvard, a famous fashion model, you love video games and football, you like to do housework, you never complain, you don't own a cell phone, you're a virgin, your parents are dead and they left you loads of money, you have perfect teeth, shiny and smooth hair, no wrinkles or blemishes, you have 2% body fat, you're always willing to have sex, your brother is Peyton Manning, you have a hot bi-sexual roommate, and a 3 story house". She

John had been working for an Advertising Firm for almost three years, and was getting a promotion, when his boss called him into his office. "John, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to let you go. When I put you up for promotion, the company did a background check, and we found out that you got kicked out of Yale for lying about getting your diploma. I'm sorry, but I need you out within the hour." "But I've been working so hard, I've been doing such good work," John said "I'm sorry, John, but we can't have liars working for us." "But this is an advertising firm!"

A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife, "Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news, I got $25,000 severance pay!" His wife said, "$25,000 in severance pay? That's great! So what's the bad news?" He said, "Wait till you hear what was severed!"