This truly happened in an advanced oral English classroom: When the teacher asked the students: "What surprised you most in Tsinghua?" One of them answered, "Well, I'd heard that girls in Tsinghua were terribly ugly before I came here. However, when I arrived here myself, I was surprised to find there's so many pretty girls, some of them are even sexy......" At that, all girls in the room smiled shyly. Then he continued, "But when the holiday was over, I found all of them had gone!"

Two babies were born in the same hospital on the same day and ended up in adjacent basinettes in the nursery. Eighty-five years later, by coincidence, each of them is admitted to the same hospital with a "terminal" diagnosis, and they end up in the same two-bed semi-private room. And one of them rolls over and says to the other "So, what did you think?" Thanks to Steven Wright

In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth, and the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of deep. And the Devil said, 'It doesn't get any better than this.' And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female created He them. And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit And God populated earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So MAN and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And so the Devil created Fast Food Giants. And Fast Food Giants brought forth the 99p double cheeseburger. And Devil said to Man, 'You want fries with that?' And Man said, 'Super-size them.' And

Twenty Something - The cost of a sitter for Saturday night. Fancy Restaurant - One that serves cold soup on purpose. College - The four-year period when parents are permitted access to their home telephone. Hors D'oeuvres - A sandwich cut into 20 pieces. Kissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. Emergency Numbers - Police station, Fire Department and fast food places that deliver.

A guy was having trouble with his cat. His cat would always scratch the sofa but never the scratching post. One day the guy got an idea; he bought a new couch and replaced the scratching post with the old couch hoping this would solve his problem, but his cat just began scratching the new sofa. Then another idea hit him - he got some clay and got to work. Scratching post - $57 New sofa - $299 Clay - $9 Understanding your cat likes to scratch your face more than he likes to scratch the couch - priceless.

One night a man is driving in his car and hears police sirens behind him. The man knows that with his car he could never out-drive the cop, so, seeing the officer looks fat and out of shape, he opens his car door and makes a run for it. The chase goes on about 20 minutes, with the cop finally catching him. The cop, completely out of breath, tells the man that he will not bring him to the station on one condition - the man, wondering why the cop wasn't going to turn him in, asked what the condition was. The cop said he wouldn't turn him in if he would help him lose another 5 pounds!

One evening, a woman received an unexpected call from a ticket clerk at a major airline. He read a list of names and asked if she knew any of the people. "Yes," she said, "they're all friends of my son. How can I help you?" "The crew was cleaning a plane, and they found this address book," the clerk explained. "After seeing no identification, we looked through the entries and found one we knew could help us. It was under M for Mom."

You're so ugly... that when your mom dropped you off on the curb for school, she got fined for littering.

A new intern at Heart & Cross Hospital was looking for an experienced doctor to sign off on him sending a patient to surgery. He saw a nicely tanned man giving orders to someone else so he walked up to him. "Could you sign this for me?" he asked. The man signed the sheet and the intern thanked him and walked away. The next day, the intern walked into the hospital and was informed by the security that he had been fired. The intern asked why, and the security guard told him that he had sent a patient to surgery without having a doctor sign off on it. "Yes, I did, I had him sign it," pointing to the man who he had sign the sheet and who was now mopping the floors. "Him?" asked the security

There was a blonde that was chopping at a tree near the neighbor's house. Suddenly it fell over and hit the neighbor's house. The neighbor came out and said, "You just crashed a tree on our house!" The blonde replied, "Well, since it's an hour house, it'll be gone in 60 minutes."

My friend said, "Can I hang out with you?" I replied in a choking voice, "I have a spare noose in the closet."

A man named John was walking back to his house, when a stranger walked up to him and said, "I'll give you tree beans if you give me your house." But John was drunk, so he thought he said, "If you give me tree beans, I'll give you my house." So John said, "Yes." And while he was taking out some beans, the stranger gave him three beans and ran in his house. John hollered, "WAIT! YOU HAVE TO FEED THE DOGS OR THEY WILL ATTACK YOU CRAZILY!" But the stranger didn't hear him fully and replied, "Oh. Don't feed the dogs? O.k.!" The next day the stranger came out, all torn up and came to John and said, "I want my beans back."