LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once

50 FUN THINGS TO DO ON FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL: 1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!" 2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector. 3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points. 4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook. 5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!" 6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute". 7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow. 8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to s

Subject: 1997 Darwin Award Winner!!! For those who don't know, this award is an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way; thus, eliminating his/her genetic material from the gene pool. For those of you who do know about the award, you may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: the man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (Jet Assist Take-Off) unit he'd strapped to his car was not equipped with an off switch. 1995's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which fell on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allerg

45 Fun Things to Do on a Paper You Don't Care About 1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts. 2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual. 3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door. 4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada. 5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas. 6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking t

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? Gucci sweats and Reeboks. And where was the location of the accident? Approximately milepost 498. And where is milepost 498? Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Did you blow your horn or anything? After the accident? Before the accident. Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? Yes. Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car? Yes, sir. What did she say? What disco am I at?

1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods besides me. 2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class. 3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy God in vain without the express written consent of thy God. The name "Thy God" is the sole property of thy God. Any use of the name of thy God without the express writtenconsent of thy God is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by thy God. 4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments. 5. Honor thy single parent. 6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die. 7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office. 8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: N

A man was walking along the beach when he saw bottle. Curious, he picked it up and was wiping the sand off it when out came a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. The man couldn't believe it. "First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! The genie handed the man a piece of paper with his account information on it. "Next, I want to be the smartest man in the world." Poof! The man instantly became smart. "Now, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! The man was changed into a huge box of chocolates.

Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. He actually *does* have your tongue. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM." Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?" Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed. Has ta

100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Movie nudity is virtually always female. You know stuff about tanks. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews. All your orgasms are real. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite s

Bill Gates "Notes to self" * Next time my wife says to buy china, she means dishes. * When my son asks for a golf club for his birthday, he means a putter, not a golf course. * When my wife asks for diamonds, she wants ones that will fit on a necklace. * Don't forget to tip the valet who pushes around your cart at the grocery store. * If someone offers you a drink, don't ask when we're eating dinner. * When my daughter asks for an iPod, don't try to buy her the whole company.

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!" MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money you father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?'" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on the wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!" COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered Christopher, you could have written!" BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, How many times have I told you--quit playing baseball in the house! that's the third window you've broken this week!" MICHAELANGELO'S MOTHER: " Mike, can't you paint on walls like other child