When a girl needs advice, why can't her brother help her? Because he can't be a brother and assist her too. (And a sister too!)

A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, "Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there." The child looked at me and said, "I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."

I think - therefore I'm single. (Lizz Winstead) In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher) When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler) I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. (Dolly Parton) I'm not going to vacuum 'till Sears makes one you can ride on. (Roseanne Barr) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? (Linda Ellerbee)

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5 Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos any more. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9 It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9 Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7 My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows! Jack, 6 Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subj

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Reagan, 10 Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6 Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8 All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelynn, 9 Some of the angels are in charge

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."

Why shouldn't you take a Pokemon in the shower with you? Answer: Because it'll Pikachu! (peek at you...)

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I've told them once I've told them 100 times

It's forty below zero one winter "night" in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab." "Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week." "That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall." "But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that." "They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

What's the difference between a bird and a fly? Well, a bird can fly . . .

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. "Art, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients." "Yes, sir!" answers Art. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Artie, how was your day?" Art told him that he had just of three patients. "The first one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX." "Well done, mate; and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL, sir," says Art. "Spot on! You're good at this; and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting