Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself. So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo. He need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to "Please Poseidon!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a quiet smoke. Jack returned with lung cancer and Jill a fatal stroke.

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!" "How can you tell?" Phillips asked. "Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

A cowboy entered a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. "Young lady," the cowboy said, "you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that at all," she replied. "No problem," the cowboy said, "just tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." "You tell him," she said. "He's the one shaving you."

If four people are standing under an umbrella and the umbrella has a hole in it, how many people are getting wet? None. It wasn't raining!

When you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws, just catapults.

It was a very hot day in Minnesota. Inga finished hanging up the wash, put dinner in the oven and headed downtown to do some errands. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself, as she walked down Main Street. As she passed by a tavern, she thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Inga said, "it is so hodt. I tink I'll have myself ze coldt beer." "Anheuser Busch?" asked the bartender. Blushing, Inga replied, "Vell, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

A proud father brought home a swing set he had just purchased for his children and immediately began to assemble it while all the neighborhood children anxiously waited to play on it. After several hours of reading the assembly instructions and trying to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard. The old-timer came over, tossed the directions away, and had the set completely assembled in a short period of time. "It's beyond me," the father said, "how you managed to get it all put together without even reading the directions." "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think

During a dinner party, the hosts' two small children entered the dining room naked and proceeded to parade slowly around the table. Embarrassed, the parents pretended nothing was happening and continued to converse with their guests. The guests co-operated and also carried on as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. After they finished walking all around the room, the children left. As the children disappeared from sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "See, I told you, it IS vanishing cream!"

One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. However, things were different the following year. "The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in their behavior?" "Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

"Now, as we don't have enough parachutes for all of us..." "Of course that's not a mountain in front...isn't it?" "That's not meant to happen!" "What dy'a mean were not meant to be going to Iraq?" Things you don't want to see on an aeroplane: Fire engines and ambulances surounding the runway when you come in to land. Armed soldiers and tanks surrounding the runway when you come in to land. The wing fall off.

What you don't want to hear on an aeroplane: "You can't leave us now Captain, not at this stage!"