A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said "Moooo!" "Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa" answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall you son of a bitch!!"

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream and hope that you might one day become a redneck? Have you always wanted to be a Bubba and know the freedom of the redneck life, but didn't know how? Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified executive image, just hollerin' to get out? Yes, we are talking to YOU, Mister Suit and Tie! Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be! TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? No! It's TRUE! Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco, several extra strength large garbage bags and six cases of beer. That is all yo

A group of people were sitting and having coffee. Suddenly, a friend of the mathematician of the group boomed in and said, Did you hear that? A mathematician has developed a theorem which says that every odd number higher than 2 is a prime. So, here are the thoughts of every person in the room. The Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a prime. Theorem disproved! The Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,... The Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is practically a prime, 11 is a prime,... The Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,... The Sales

-Archimedes, you are late again. Don't tell me that you were locked again in the bathroom. -Copernicus, when will you understand that you are not the center of the world? -Galileo, if you will drop stones from the top of the tower one more time, you will be dismissed forever. -Kepler, till when will you stare at the sky? -Newton, will you please stop idling away under the apple tree? -Volta, I can see you have a lot of potential. -Ohm, must you resist Ampère's opinions on current events? -Nikola Tesla, I see that everyone is attracted to your magnetic personality. -Einstein, a crocodile is greener or is it wider? -Schrödinger, stop abusing cats! -Heisenberg, when will you be sure of yours

The new principal was talking to the teachers. "Now, listen, my name is Mr. Prenis, with an "R". Please don't forget to spell it out clearly, so that the students dont laugh and such..." The teachers assure him that they will remember it, and they go out to adress the students. One of the male teachers steps up to the podium, and speaks into the microphone: "Welcome, students, to another year at Rearview Elementary. I would like you to welcome your new principal, Mr. Crock..."

Two guys are sitting in a bar. The one says to the other, "Are you going to the Johnsons' tonight?" The other says, "Dunno, I don't feel like it, but my wife wants to." "Yeah, me too, I don't feel like it, but my wife insists." Both of them sigh deeply, look at each other and say: "All right then. See you at the Johnsons'!"

On one side of the world, a man is given a blowjob by a 80-year-old woman. On the other side of the world, a stuntman attempts the unattemptable: Tiptoeing on a stretched cord between two skyscrapers. What are they both thinking? "Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, don't look down..."

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal... Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a close by man, "Can you help me point my penis?" The man reluctantly accepted but decided not to look at the man's penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, "Hey! I'm grabbing it right? So I should look, I have a right" He looks down at the man's member and sees that is beyond hideous. Startled, he jumps back and lets go, asking, "What the hell is wrong with it?" The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but I ain't touchin' it," and walks away.

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?" "A mongoose." "What for?" "Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection." "But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes." "That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says, "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from falling out of bed."

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast."

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...