A doctor one day was accidentally cut rather badly on the leg. He went to an operating theatre and started to stitch his own leg up, using a local anaesthetic. While doing this, a colleague came into the room, and offered to help. The first doctor thanked him, but said he would carry on himself. The second doctor said, "Ok, suture self!"

A blonde goes into a newsagent's office and asks for her usual paper. The newsagent says, "Did you know your paper is going to cost more from tomorrow?" "In that case, I'd better buy ten more of today's!"

Once, a man walked into a bar. He went up to the counter and ordered his drink. The guy next to him had a bowl of chili that he didnt seem to be eating. "Sir, could I bother you for some chili?" he asked very politely. "Go right ahead" he responded, passing the chili. About half way through, he saw there was a rat at the bottom of the chili. In repsonse to this he puked the chili back up. At this time the man next to him stared. "Funny thats farther than I got," he said.

I have a spelling checker, It came with my PC. It plane lee marks four my revue, Miss steaks aye can knot see. Eye ran this poem threw it. Your sure real glad two no. Its very polished in its weigh, My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a blessing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays comes posed up on my screen, Eye trussed too bee a joule. The checker pours o'er every word, To cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore a veiling checkers, Hour spelling mite decline, And if we're laks oar have a laps, We wood bee maid too wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling, Is checked with such grate flare, There are know faults with in

So anyway, this leper goes into a bar. And this guy is in a really advanced state of decay, you know, like the werewolf's friend in American Werewolf in London, towards the end of the movie... Anyhow, he goes into this bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "Look, before I order, I'd like you to know that I'm aware of how my appearance affects some people, and I'll fully understand it if you refuse to serve me." The bartender, who is looking a little pasty-faced, says, "No, sir, I am a professional, and you are my customer. It is my pleasure to serve you. What would you like?" "A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble." "Coming right up, sir." The bartender pours the dri

Yo momma is so dumb I told her to do an essay and she went and fucked a mexican...

SO GREASY Yo momma's so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo momma's so greasy she sweats Crisco! Yo momma's so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her! SO NASTY Yo momma's so nasty, she made speed stick slow down! Yo momma's so nasty, she brings crabs to the beach! Yo momma's so nasty, she made the right guard turn left! Yo momma's so nasty, the fishery paid her to leave! Yo momma's so nasty, she has to creep up on bathwater! Yo momma's so nasty, she pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh! Yo momma's so nasty, I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection. SO POOR Yo momma's so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby? A: A dead baby in a clown costume! Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline? A: When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off! Q: What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A: A baby with a punctured lung! Q: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? A: Fucked! Q: How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ? A: Nail its other hand to the floor! Q: What do you call a dead baby and 6 week old bread? A: A Big Mac! Q: How do you make a man pregnant? A: Stick a dead baby up his ass! Q: How many babies does it take to paint a house? A: Depends how hard you throw them!

How many George Walter Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb? Luckily, only 2. The world can't handle many more idiots.

Returning home from dinner out one night, I started to feel sick. Suspecting food poisoning, I called the restaurant's manager. "I can't believe that happened!", she said. She sounded truly shocked. "What did you order?" I told her I ordered the meat loaf. "That's weird,"she observed."Usually it's the stuffing."

Little Johnny was playing in the playground when he looks over and sees two teenagers having sex. He runs over to his mum who tells him that they are making 'cupcakes'. He then goes on and continues playing. He then sees two 20 year olds getting naked in the sand box. He runs over to his mum and asks what they are doing. She again tells him that they are making 'cupcakes'. The next morning Little Johnny's mum asked him if he had a good sleep. He replies no. He then goes on "You and daddy were making a lot of noise when you were making 'cupcakes' last night". She Replies "And how do you know we were making "cupcakes?" He then says with a huge grin on his face. "I licked the icing off the

How do you tell when a lawyer is well-hung? When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his throat.