(From a machine at a college dorm:) A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his vali

Yo mama so dumb, she tried to spell out the alphabet with M&M's.

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St Peter, "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an Eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the

Men's Rules for Women --------------------------- 1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 2) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 3) Saturday = sports. 4) Crying is blackmail. 5)Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 6) We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently. 7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Th

These are all true cuttings, Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It is a Special Branch vehicle and they do not want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why she said it was because she was missing her boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evening News) After being charged 20 [pounds] for a 10 [pound] overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked him to close his account and Mr. Bastards has asked them to re

"What possible reason can you have for acquitting this defendant?" the judge shouted at the jury. "Insanity, Your Honour," replied the foreman. "All TWELVE of you?" bellowed the judge.

"Please, God," the man prayed, "you know me. I'm always praying to you, yet I've had nothing but bad luck, misery and despair. Look at the butcher next door. He's never prayed in his life, and he enjoys prosperity, health and happiness. How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and he's always doing so well?" "Because," a voice boomed from the heavens, "the butcher doesn't bug me, that's why!"

Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.

Couple of things you oughta know Firstly, when I'm born, I'm black!! When I grow up, I'm black When I get sick, I'm black When I go out in the sun, I'm black When I'm cold, I'm black And when I get scared, Gee, I'm black And When I die, I'm still black But you white fella... When you born, you pink When you grow up, you white When you get sick, you green When you go out in the sun, you red When you get cold, you go blue When you get scared, you yellow And when you die, you purple And YOU got the cheek to call ME coloured??!!

Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain, and they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished that she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Yo Mama was so Ugly as a child your granddaddy had to put a pork chop round her neck so the dog would play with her.