A couple are getting married in a big fancy church with all of the relatives and friends in attendance. The priest is going through the nomal procedure and when he comes to the part "If anyone objects to the union of these two people in Holy Matrimony let them speak now or for ever hold their peace". A redneck in the back row jumps up and hollers "I object, I am in love with her and she's carrying my baby!" As the gathering gasps in surprise the redneck runs up the aisle, shoves the groom aside and rips off the brides veil. After a moment of silence the redneck exclaims, "Hey you ain't my sister!"

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? John: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? Clyde: No, teacher, it's the same dog. ___________________________________ Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps

What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me I'm going in!

Two gay guys are having sex. The penis says to the asshole "you think you have it bad, I'm up to my nuts in shit over here!"

After everything I say I want you to say "I am a Man." You go to a bar. I am a man You see a girl and go meet her I am a man You take her home I am a man You get in bed with her I am a man She whispers in you ear I am a man (This is very funny when saying it out loud with a friend. Instruct them to say "I am a man." after each line you say.)

How does the butcher introduce his wife Meat Patty

One night at a bar a guy and a woman happen to meet. The woman confides, "I was recently divorced, I'm embarrassed to say, but it's because my husband said I was too kinky." The guy gasps and says, "I am also recently divorced, and my wife complained I was too kinky." The woman says, "Look, we're both adults and I think we both know why we came here to this bar, let's just cut to it. I don't live too far away, let's go back to my apartment and get kinky." The guy quickly agrees and off to the apartment they go. Upon arriving at the apartment the woman says, "I want to go to the bedroom and get into something special, I won't be long." She goes to the bedroom and begins undressing, slowly s

* You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. Ipledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... * (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot. * You have reached 934-2435. We picke

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. H

Yo Momma is like a TV; Even a 4 year old could turn her on.

Yo Momma so poor she found a ciagarette on the ground and said, "Honey, we got a fire tonight!"

One day a blonde and her boyfriend went to a car store. He asks her what car she wants but she says, "I dunno." So he takes her around to all the car shops and she says, "I want the BMW." He asks her why she wants a BMW and she says, "Because I dunno how to spell the other brands!"