JCPenny blowdryer: do not use while sleeping ********** caution: hot chocolate may be hot **********

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure his wife's away! Boyfriend: I'm going to buy us some condoms. Girlfriend: Why? You can't fit all that in one! Boyfriend: You barely fit in a bra! Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke? A 2-year old boy, a 12-year old boy, and a 26-year old boy. Do you know which one I want to have? The 26-year old for nothing but length.

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck th

How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. With all the technology that they have, its a wonder that they still use lightbulbs.

A pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in long black trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to all the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups. When the police questioned him why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

Two kids were bragging about the toys they owned. One of them said, "This is Action Man! He's been in Viet Nam, Operation Desert Storm, Iraq - and the vacuum cleaner twice!"

Yo momma so fat she needs a boomerang to put on her belt

Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." "I know the feeling," the other says. "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."

Yo Momma smells so bad that she made an onion cry!

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pric