What did one earthquake say to another? Oops! My fault!

Dickiedoo Disease: defined as the expansion of the adominal region of the human male to the point where it eliminates the view of the male's private part from its possessor. Translated into a more commonly used phrase "His belly sticks out further than his Dickiedoo! Also know as Abdominalius Humongus and in some cases where the male appendage is not very large, this condition is known as Male Apparatus Non-existus.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear. St. Peter looked

THE ADVENTURE BEGINS: Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 12- Pack of Bud 11 Rasslin' Tickets 10 tins of Copenhagen 9 Years Probation 8 Holey vests 7 Kissing Cousins 6 Cans of Spam 5 Hunting Hounds 4 Mudgrip tyres 3 Shot Gun Shells 2 more Gaps in Teeth And some parts to a Mustang GT

Smart-ass Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat ...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Smart-ass Answer #2 A truck driver was driving along on! the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver sa

The blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department. The blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos - after all, they now had their own department at the university. They now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education De

The good, the bad and the ugly. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids; Bad: You can't find your birth control pills; Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room; Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there; Ugly: You're in them. Good: Your husband understands fashion; Bad: He's a cross-dresser; Ugly: He looks better than you. Good: Your son's finally maturing; Bad: He's involved with the woman next door; Ugly: So are you. Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter; Bad: She keeps interrupting; Ugly: With corrections. Good: Your wife's not talking to you; Bad: She wants a divorce; Ugly: She's a lawyer. Good: The postman's early; Ba

1. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 2. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. 3. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN: 1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are. 2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your undies up in the toilets. 3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight. 4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you now look more like GAIL from Coronation Street than the sex pot you were just 4 hours ago. 5. You drop your 3 a.m. chips on the floor of AbraKebabra and pick them up & carry on eating. 6. You start crying. 7. There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start work. 8. You've found a deeper side to nerdy gimp from payroll. 9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." - Babe Ruth "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." - Lee Trevino "I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." - Jack Lemmon "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." - Chi Chi Rodriguez "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a n

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper. "It has long been known..." I didn't look up the original reference. "A definite trend is evident..." These data are practically meaningless. "While it has not been possible to provide definitive answers to the questions..." An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published. "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study..." The other results didn't make any sense. "Typical results are shown..." This is the prettiest graph. "These results will be in