Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: Thank you for calling heaven. For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3 Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all others I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to: God, press

Knock Knock! Who's There? Abbott. Abbott who? Abbott time you answered the door!

A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP.. BUMP... behind him Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ...BUMP, it goes.. ...BUMP.. ...BUMP.. Terrified, the man begins to run towards his house, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him.. Faster.. FASTER.. BUMP.. BUMP.. BUMP! He runs up to the door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.. However, the coffin crashes through the door - its lid clapping dementedly.. Clappity-BUMP.. Clappity-BUMP.. Clappity-BUMP.. Hot on the heels of the terrified m

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed. 2. All Polar Bears are left-handed. 3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar Bear. 1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles. 2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles. 3. Work stuffs up your eyesight. 1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second. 2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second. 3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant.

Aig - What a hen lays. Aints - He's got aints in his paints. Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a morning. Arn - Ma's tard of arnin. Bag - He bagged her to marry him. Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence. Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won. Bub - the light bub burned out. Cheer - What you set in. Crick - A small stream. Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon. Chiny - country over in Asia. Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes. Core - He got hisself a new Ford core. Cyow - Animal on Farm. Deppity - He helps out the shurf.. Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt. Dainz - Satidy night social. Ellum - A graceful tree. Fanger - What you put your rang on. Faince - Whats r

Far - What get the brandin arn hot. Furred - He got furred from his job. Flar - A rose is a purdy flar. Frash - Them aigs ain't frash. Furiners - All non-'bamans. Further - Hits ten miles further to town. Grain - She was grain with envy. Hail - Where bad folks go. Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n. Hilbilly - People in the next county. Hollar – What's between the hills. Hard - Got a brend new hard. Tar - His core blew a tar. Laymun - A sour fruit. Laig - Most folks have two of them. Lather - What you climb up. Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin. Mailk - what you get from cyows. Mere - What yo

Minners - Live bait. Misrus - Married woman. Nar - Opposite of wide. Nayk - Your head sets on it. Nup – No. Orrel - Them hinges need orrel. Ormy - What the sojers go in. Pank - A light red color. Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow. Petition - What separate the rooms. Poke - A paper bag or sack. Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in. Salit - A green vegetable. Puppet - What the preacher is in. Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher. Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig. Rang - You wear it on your fanger. Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts. Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town.

Rainch - A big cow farm. Rat - Do it rat now! Rench - Rench the soap yourself. Roont - She plum roont her shoes. Salary - A stringy vegetable. Soardeens - Small canned fish. Shar - A light rain. Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain. Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody. Pop - A soft drink. Sprang - Water out'n the ground. Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail. Storch - This here aprn has too much storch in it. Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death. Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart. Tho - Tho me the ball. Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat. War - A bobbed war fance. Worsh - Go worsh your face. Warter - What you worsh your face in. Yurp - A continent overseas.

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago. Give and you might receive; take and be sure. I can't remember the last time I forgot something. I'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I. In an atomic attack, all men will be cremated equal. It's bad luck to be superstitious. I've been meaning to start procrastinating for some time now. Logic – the art of being wrong, with confidence. Old age isn't so bad, when you consider the alternative. Shin – a device for finding furniture in the dark. "Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes." No matter where you go, there y

These are my summer clothes. Summer paid for, summer not. How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck. Why couldn't anyone play cards on the ark? Because Noah sat on the deck. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "You drive, I'll man the guns." The Russians are very jealous of the American's Stealth Bombers, so they've decided to build their own. It'll be called the Optical Illyushin. One good turn... gets all the blankets.

I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

God was in Heaven and was getting particularly bored. "Oh what can I do?" he exclaimed. St. Peter came up to him and suggested he take a vacation. "That's a great idea, but where should I go?" asked God. "How about the moon?" suggested St. Peter. "Well, I could, but there's no gravity on the moon," stated God "Then how about the Earth?" When St. Peter said this God's eyes widened and he said, "Are you mad? I went there 2000 years ago, met a nice Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!"