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"I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work," the son protested to his father. "Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least not at your age." "Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!"

Knock-Knock Who's there? Tex Tex who? Tex two to tango.

Why do they call it "drug abuse" when the person "abusing the drugs" then ends up with half of his brain being rendered useless?

There were two high school friends, Artie and Dominick, who did everything together, and were the absolute best of friends. Then they went off to different colleges and were separated for several years. One day, however, Artie was sitting and a bar and looks over and sees his old friend Dominic. "Dominic?" he shouts. "Artie?" Dominic replied. Obviously they were happy to see each other again, and spent a long time catching up on old times. Along the course of the conversation, Artie asked Dominick what he did as a career. "I'm an inventor," Dominic said. "Wow," said Artie, "you must be loaded!" "Well, I would be, except my wife spends all my money. I really hate her and wish she were dead!"

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said, "pet supplies." So I did. One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.