A very mean, nasty, unattractive woman enters the Wal-Mart store with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter says hello to the kids and then hello to the lady who just grunts at the greeter in return. The greeter asks the lady, "Great kids! Are they twins?" "No," replies the lady, "one is 9 the other is 7. Do they look like twins?" "No," the greeter says, "I just couldn't believe you could get laid twice."

Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate? The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!

Q: How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101, one to hold the lightbulb and 100 to spin the house!

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man. Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. Marriages are made in heaven an

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well." "Why is that?" asked the professor. "For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old!"

Yo Momma's life is such a failure, when I gave her a dollar she said her life was complete.

Here's a chain mail I recieved. Hi there, Thought For The Day "Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You're blessed with both!" Don't be flattered, this message was sent to ME! I just wanted YOU to read it. PASS IT ON.

A woman just got a new job and her co-workers told her her first assignment: to fire the janitor, Don. The woman was very nervous about doing this, so she decided to get it over with fast. She marched up with her head down and said to the man, "I'm sorry, but you're fired!" Her co-workers who were watching suddenly started laughing out loud. She looked at the man she fired and he said, "I don't think you have the right to fire you boss!!!"

The three stages of sex in marriage: Tri-weekly, Try-weekly, Try-weakly.

*Do You Love As Good As You Look? *Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life *Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure *Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares *How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? *Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral *I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling *I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me *I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart *I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You *I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! *I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win *I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy *I'm Just A Bug On The

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate. "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers. That's what he gets for snorting quack.