What's worse than taking a bite out of an apple and finding a worm? Finding half a worm!

If it is dry - moisten. If it is moist - dry. Congratulations, you are now a dermatologist. ==================================================== What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

A man was filling out a job application form. Whe he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote "No." Not realising that the next question was only for people who answered "Yes", he wrote "Never been caught." ======================================= A bank manager was interviewing candidates for a cashier's post, and was down to the last two people. One was a nice young man, but a bit timid, so he calls for the second applicant, "Mr. Johnson!" Up steps a burly young man who seems very sure of himself. The bank manager thinks, 'he looks like he can take care of himself' and decides to hire him. He says, "Now, Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. However, you did no

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away! Aim low; reach your goals; avoid disappointment. Teamwork means never having to take the blame yourself. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Confucius asks: "If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?"

THIS IS A TRUE STORY!!! My cousin works as a technical support receptionist at a computer company. This is an actual conversation he had one day: "Hi, I'm having trouble with my computer. It's not working!" "Well, I'll do my best to help you." *gets technical information for computer from caller* "OK, can you press 'Control', then hold down 'Alt' and, then 'Delete'?" "Hey, it's in French!" "What is?" "The keyboard?" "*sigh* Well, can you press..." "Oh, darn, I just noticed, the power's off!" "Well, can you turn it on, please?" "How?" "Press the power button." "Where is it?" "It's normally a big button on the actual computer, not the monitor." "Like the lizard?" "Pardon me?" "

I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend. We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read: "All models in stock now!" So I paused next to the display and said, "Do you know what these are?" "What?" she asked. I said, "Stool samples."

A man was buying a horse and was given a few simple instructions. To make the horse walk, he would say "few." To make the horse run, he would say "many." To make the horse stop he would say "amen." On the man's first ride all was going well. "few!" the man shouted and the horse began to walk. "many!" the man shouted and the horse began to run. But the man had forgotten the word to make the horse stop as it ran towards the edge of a cliff. The man shouted in terror "Lord! Please save me! Amen!" And of course the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff-face. The man then mopped his brow and said "Phew! that was clo- AAAAARRRRGHHH!!"

Last time my friend went to the zoo, he got in trouble for feeding the monkeys... ...to the lions.

Man 1: "My budgie lays square eggs!" Man 2: "Really! That's amazing! Can it talk as well?" Man 1: "Yes, but only one word." Man 2: "What's that?" Man 1: "Ouch!"

"Look at the speed of that plane!" said one hawk to another, as a jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. "Hmph!" snorted the other, "You too would fly fast if your tail was on fire!"

Two neighbours were talking to each other. One said to the other "Have you told your son to stop imitating me?" The other one replied "Yes. Yesterday I went up to him and said 'Stop acting such a fool!'..."